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Public Atonement: The Last Ditch Publicity Stunt

January 15, 2013
Lance Armstrong - this is the bit where I wipe a tear from my eye...

Lance Armstrong – is this the bit where I wipe a tear from my eye…?

When embattled celebrities, politicians and other notorious liars have nowhere left to run, the final somewhat inevitable destination is a stint on some commercial television show like 60 Minutes or Jerry Springer.

Having performed a marathon of heartfelt denials, emphatic claims of victimisation and harassment, the innocent perpetrators of wrongdoing take to the stage for the final act – throwing themselves at the mercy of public opinion.

This week Lance Armstrong will join a long line of hapless fools who have “betrayed the public trust” (whatever that is) and confess to his heinous crimes.

According to reports, Lance will confess to Oprah Winfrey that he did in fact take performance enhancing drugs. A little-known fact that until now has only been known by “the rest of the world.”

In this exclusive “tell all tale,” Lance will surprise himself by confessing to the error of his ways and no doubt use the opportunity to spruik a forthcoming tell all book.

A few “Craig Thomson tears” should also help the cause.

Frankly, I don’t know who’s more pathetic, the shambles of a man that is Lance Armstrong or the millions of viewers that will tune in to witness the unremarkable spectacle.

One thing we can be sure of is that it will be choreographed to the finest detail; Lance looks down at his hands remorsefully here, he looks over his shoulder regretfully there, and finally stares right down the barrel of the camera to issue a heartfelt plea to the public for forgiveness.

Of course, none of this is anything new.  There’s been a right royal procession of smited losers who’ve taken to the airwaves to muster public sympathy in spite of their flawed personalities.

Alan Jones took to national television to issue a one-hour apology to Julia Gillard; a performance so maligned that he felt it necessary to issue a repeat performance.

Likewise those two drongo presenters from 2 Day FM embroiled in the Indian nurse suicide scandal were dragged out to face the public through a sympathetically leaning interview on national television.

Meanwhile at home, viewers get to vent their collective disapproval…

It’s not quite a public flogging in the Town Square, but probably as close as we’ll get to the modern day equivalent.

 

 

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29 Comments leave one →
  1. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 12:43 pm

    “Alan Jones took to national television to issue a one-hour apology…………. Likewise those two drongo presenters from 2 Day FM”

    And Bert Newton’s mongrel son don’t forget.

  2. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 12:49 pm

    Mathew Johns

  3. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 12:50 pm

    Andrew Johns

  4. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 12:50 pm

    Kevin Rudd on going to a strip club

  5. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 12:55 pm

    David Letterman (“I want to be a better person”) confesses on adultery in an Oprah interview

  6. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 12:56 pm

    Ellen DeGeneres talking about coming out of the closet.

  7. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 12:56 pm

    Tiger Woods and that weird press conference he gave

  8. Tom R permalink
    January 15, 2013 1:03 pm

  9. January 15, 2013 1:28 pm

    My God, Lance Armstrong has taken drugs and Jodie Foster is gay. Next thing, they’ll try telling us Lassie was a dog.

  10. TB Queensland permalink
    January 15, 2013 1:34 pm

    Next thing, they’ll try telling us Lassie was a dog.

    There was more than one, Lassie, a-n-d all males … something to do with easily directed 😉

    But all is well, RS, Easter Bunny is just about to hop around the corner! 😛

  11. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 1:37 pm

    But what about the Littlest Hobo and Rin Tin Tin

  12. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    January 15, 2013 2:14 pm

    **EXCLUSIVE**

    Mr Ed couldn’t talk.

  13. Tom R permalink
    January 15, 2013 2:36 pm

    Mr Ed couldn’t talk.

    That is a slur on the loto!

  14. January 15, 2013 2:43 pm

    This frog don’t sing.

  15. TB Queensland permalink
    January 15, 2013 2:58 pm

    Well that thread buggered up pretty quickly, Blogmasta!

    Who’s Lance Armstrong?

  16. Tom R permalink
    January 15, 2013 3:01 pm

    Who’s Lance Armstrong?

    Ozzie Osbournes dealer?

  17. 2DT Shock Jock/Truly Evil Walrus permalink
    January 15, 2013 3:44 pm

    “Who’s Lance Armstrong?”

  18. 2DT Shock Jock/Truly Evil Walrus permalink
    January 15, 2013 3:45 pm

    “Who’s Lance Armstrong?”

    He had something to do with the Moon you idiot

  19. 2DT Shock Jock/Truly Evil Walrus permalink
    January 15, 2013 3:46 pm

    Marion Jones and Oprah

    Yes…………….the chick who fancied Robin Hood

    The List goes on………………………

  20. TB Queensland permalink
    January 15, 2013 4:02 pm

    Now I get it!

    Shock Jock … Electric Crabs … Wally … wally …

  21. 2DT Shock Jock/Truly Evil Walrus permalink
    January 15, 2013 4:05 pm

    “… Electric Crabs … ”

    ?

  22. TB Queensland permalink
    January 15, 2013 4:12 pm

    Here ya go Wally …

    What a sheltered existence you must have had so far …

    +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Have you noticed the uncanny similarities between Armstrong and Abbott … even their surnames begin with A … they like tight pants, show off … like bright colours … both ride bikes … both deny the truth … 😆

  23. Tom R permalink
    January 15, 2013 4:17 pm

    What a sheltered existence you must have had so far

    That could be due to the buckles on the jacket?

  24. January 15, 2013 4:34 pm

    The embedded media based hysteria over the Armstrong bullshit is way over blown. Who really doesn`t think that people trying to gain large sums of money won`t cheat, when people are willing to kill, rob, and thieve to get other nations wealth.

  25. 2DT Shock Jock permalink
    January 15, 2013 4:36 pm

    “What a sheltered existence you must have had so far … ”

    Perhaps its because I only used to hang around with women of some refinement.

  26. TB Queensland permalink
    January 15, 2013 8:15 pm

    Perhaps its because I only used to hang around with women of some refinement.

    Mmmm … depends on your interpretation of “refined” (petrol is refined – over and over)

  27. Truly Evil Walrus @ Palm Bitch permalink
    January 15, 2013 10:36 pm

    The amusing thing about Armstrong is that the cash is not the real issue. After all his sponsors sold plenty of shoes, socks, helmets, shirts, bikes breakfast bars , cereal , etc when he was at his “height”.

    Even race organisers and tv channels benefitted from the pull power .

    The loses we’re his fans who invested trust in him ( how do you repay that) and those who came second behind him.

    They are the ones that should be outraged.

    The rest are still counting the profits.

  28. Truly Evil Walrus @ Palm Bitch permalink
    January 15, 2013 11:02 pm

    Oh

    And anyone successfully sued by him should also be compensated

  29. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    January 20, 2013 2:02 pm

    Lance doesn’t seem to have garnered a huge amount of sympathy.

    People are finicky and just don’t take to bulls*t artists and cheats.

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