Public Atonement: The Last Ditch Publicity Stunt

Lance Armstrong – is this the bit where I wipe a tear from my eye…?

When embattled celebrities, politicians and other notorious liars have nowhere left to run, the final somewhat inevitable destination is a stint on some commercial television show like 60 Minutes or Jerry Springer.

Having performed a marathon of heartfelt denials, emphatic claims of victimisation and harassment, the innocent perpetrators of wrongdoing take to the stage for the final act – throwing themselves at the mercy of public opinion.

This week Lance Armstrong will join a long line of hapless fools who have “betrayed the public trust” (whatever that is) and confess to his heinous crimes.

According to reports, Lance will confess to Oprah Winfrey that he did in fact take performance enhancing drugs. A little-known fact that until now has only been known by “the rest of the world.”

In this exclusive “tell all tale,” Lance will surprise himself by confessing to the error of his ways and no doubt use the opportunity to spruik a forthcoming tell all book.

A few “Craig Thomson tears” should also help the cause.

Frankly, I don’t know who’s more pathetic, the shambles of a man that is Lance Armstrong or the millions of viewers that will tune in to witness the unremarkable spectacle.

One thing we can be sure of is that it will be choreographed to the finest detail; Lance looks down at his hands remorsefully here, he looks over his shoulder regretfully there, and finally stares right down the barrel of the camera to issue a heartfelt plea to the public for forgiveness.

Of course, none of this is anything new.  There’s been a right royal procession of smited losers who’ve taken to the airwaves to muster public sympathy in spite of their flawed personalities.

Alan Jones took to national television to issue a one-hour apology to Julia Gillard; a performance so maligned that he felt it necessary to issue a repeat performance.

Likewise those two drongo presenters from 2 Day FM embroiled in the Indian nurse suicide scandal were dragged out to face the public through a sympathetically leaning interview on national television.

Meanwhile at home, viewers get to vent their collective disapproval…

It’s not quite a public flogging in the Town Square, but probably as close as we’ll get to the modern day equivalent.