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BREAKING NEWS: JESUS CHRIST IS COMING BACK!

May 24, 2013

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BREAKING NEWS:

Friends, I bring good news, the season of the Lord’s return is upon us and I have the research to prove it.

We are coming to the end of one age and the beginning of the age of Jesus’ glorious reign right here on Earth.

It’s so exciting..!!

Signs that Jesus is Planning a Come-back Tour

What does God reveal in the Bible that shows us that now is the season of the Lord’s return?

Well, there are nearly 500 prophecies in the Old Testament and in the New Testament one in every 25 verses that describe Jesus’ Second Coming. Included in these prophecies God gives us an abundance of signs to be looking out for to know how soon Jesus’ return will be.

It could be tomorrow, it could be next week, (but just as long as it’s not on Tuesdays cos that’s when I go to the movies).

According to a recent survey, almost fifty per cent of Christians are convinced that Jesus didn’t just rise from the dead once, but will “definitely” come back again. The Pew Research Center survey, found that 48 per cent of Christians say they believe that Christ will return to Earth in the next 40 years, and 27% of them were so sure, they said that Jesus would “definitely” be back sometime real soon.

Some 20 per cent were a little more skeptical and just said that he’d “probably” return.

However some are not convinced.

37 per cent are uncertain whether will he come back and some 10 per cent don’t think he’s coming back at all.

Sucks to be them, cos they will all be sent to hell and damnation come judgement day (whatever that is)…

 

 

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45 Comments leave one →
  1. grodo permalink
    May 24, 2013 5:37 pm

    Muslims believe in the second coming of Jesus, even though he’s not god. Some kind of intergalactic messenger.

  2. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    May 24, 2013 7:09 pm

    Will this one be able to turn water into wine?

    I find that a sensational pitch to get people to follow an oddball religion.

    What sort of wine was it anyway?

  3. May 24, 2013 7:12 pm

    Promised Land…?

  4. May 24, 2013 7:15 pm

    Ten things you’ve always wanted to know about flying

    I once heard that the “brace” position was designed to break people’s necks on impact so that death would be quick.

    Read more: http://www.news.com.au/travel/news/the-plane-truth-about-flying-revealed/story-e6frfq80-1226649790296#ixzz2UCS1GMX7

  5. May 24, 2013 7:16 pm

    And that yellow plastic cup…

    Come on it looks nothing like an oxygen mask…

    Surely it’s just designed to muffles the screams…?

  6. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    May 24, 2013 7:20 pm

    Promised Land wouldn’t get the punters out of bed on Sunday morning.

    That’s the problem with religion, it’s down market.

    A messiah needs to turn water into water into a nice 2004 Coonawarra shiraz, otherwise it isn’t worth the effort.

    (I’m drinking one while waiting for a dinner companion)

  7. egg permalink
    May 24, 2013 8:09 pm

    The last time Jesus was seen, a couple of thousand years ago, he was flying a Merkaba chariot. My guess he’ll return in something more flash for the finale.

  8. May 24, 2013 8:23 pm

    ‘My guess he’ll return in something more flash for the finale.’

    Good point. If Jesus comes back what would he actually wear…?

    I don’t think sandals and robes would cut it…

    Maybe something like Tom Waterhouse…

    Is he the return of the bejebus…?

    He did seem to pop out of nowhere…

    (Just sayin’)

  9. IPA address permalink
    May 24, 2013 8:48 pm

    “If Jesus comes back what would he actually wear…?”

    I’m thinking something elegant yet understated, sort of like this.

  10. May 24, 2013 8:58 pm

    I concur IPA… 🙂

  11. IPA address permalink
    May 24, 2013 9:03 pm

    He’d probably travel in one of these.

  12. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    May 24, 2013 9:06 pm

    That’s a photo of someone I’d think can turn water into a bottle of Bin 389. Where do I sign up?

  13. May 24, 2013 9:12 pm

    Have I told you about Rebitology (patent pending)…?

  14. May 24, 2013 9:22 pm

    I fhe comes back, I’ll be waiting.

    Someone needs to make him pay for all of the lies…

  15. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    May 24, 2013 9:22 pm

    Some time in the dim, distant past I heard about Rebitology.

    It seemed good, but I really just want some religion that will turn water into a decent red…and I certainly don’t mean a Mornington Peninsular Pinot Noir.

  16. May 24, 2013 9:31 pm

    Rebitology is only for the exclusive few…

    Rest assured we’re all quaffing back two thousand dollar bottles of red while “you lot” are making do with whatever dregs you can throw together from SA cleanskins…

    (Just saying…)

  17. egg permalink
    May 24, 2013 9:36 pm

    Rapture comes to mind.

  18. May 24, 2013 9:39 pm

    We’re the Blondie version…..

  19. May 24, 2013 9:47 pm

    “Give yourself permission to immediately walk away from anything that gives you bad vibes. There is no need to explain or make sense of it. Just trust what you feel.”

  20. May 24, 2013 10:27 pm

    I feel like the return of JohnHowardLite just isn’t for me.

    I hope this is a legally overriding sentiment.

    If not, well, natural law prevails anyway I guess… 😯

  21. egg permalink
    May 25, 2013 11:32 am

    ‘We’re the Blondie version…..’

    Red is more favoured for serious occasions.

    http://www.snooth.com/wine/rapture-cabernet-sauvignon-2004-3/

  22. egg permalink
    May 25, 2013 12:37 pm

    According to Christian belief the Rapture comes before Tribulation, which makes a lot of sense.

    Wandering around the usual traps, looking for a lead on whether Jesus will dare to show his face, I found nothing of consequence.

    There is a school of thought that suggests JC won’t be reappearing in a blinding flash, but that’s as far as I’ve got.

  23. TB Queensland permalink
    May 25, 2013 3:11 pm

    Wonder what, JC 2.0, would do with the catlik church? And other branches of the misinterpreted faery tale …

    He’d probably leave the Muslims alone ’cause that’s a Mohammed franchise anyway …

    As for the Jews … well if, JC 2.0, turned up they would know they really fkd up … bigtime …

    As for the bankers … what was it he did to the money lenders again? 😆

    Me – I’d just continue on as usual … managed quite well without his interference help before … won’t need it now …

  24. May 25, 2013 3:46 pm

    the dog-botherers have done too much damage in his name, so l doubt cheeses will be showing-up to clean up the mess

  25. egg permalink
    May 25, 2013 4:42 pm

    Its has been an unholy mess from beginning to end and all in his name. He’ll blame us for misunderstanding his word.

  26. TB Queensland permalink
    May 25, 2013 5:03 pm

    He’ll blame us for misunderstanding his word.

    He’ll blame some of you alright … 😛

  27. egg permalink
    May 25, 2013 9:25 pm

    http://www.brisbanepowerhouse.org/events/view/briefs-the-second-coming/

    Its alright for those closest to the action, Mexicans will miss out on the Rapture.

  28. egg permalink
    May 26, 2013 2:07 pm

    There is talk that he may come down incognito to this planet, which summarily executed him a couple of millennia ago, to test the waters and avoid another mishap.

    Once he’s gauged the public mood we are assured JC will do a proper reentry in due course.

  29. TB Queensland permalink
    May 26, 2013 2:35 pm

    JC 2.0 might be his sister …

  30. egg permalink
    May 26, 2013 3:20 pm

    Could well be a sister, upper middle class, slim female Buddha.

  31. armchair opinionator permalink
    May 26, 2013 3:32 pm

    …the dog-botherers have done too much damage in his name, so l doubt cheeses will be showing-up to clean up the mess

    http://dailydish.typepad.com/.a/6a00d83451c45669e2017ee8251158970d-pi

  32. egg permalink
    May 26, 2013 3:36 pm

    🙂

  33. egg permalink
    May 26, 2013 3:51 pm

    The Hindu god Vishnu is considered knowledgable on Avatars, so its likely they’ll skip the early years and put JC into a 30 year old body with false papers.

  34. Ol' Sancty permalink
    May 26, 2013 5:22 pm

    The brace position is about kissing your arse goodbye.

    I’ve never quite come to terms with the expression “Promised Land” Threatened Land would seem more appropriate.

    If the son of were to return, I’d be barracking for him. I’d be reminding him that I never called him a sky fairy once but that bloke over there with “Boss” written on his shirt and a dunny lid for a hat said it heaps.Then he’d say “He’s already in hell, that’s what we call that state upstairs, any others?” but by then I’d have him filling out a contract to play for the Bloods.

  35. TB Queensland permalink
    May 26, 2013 5:25 pm

    What a pity dogbotherers spend so much time wishing to go to heaven and don’t realise this is IT! 🙂

  36. egg permalink
    May 26, 2013 5:29 pm

    Life on earth is similar to purgatory.

  37. TB Queensland permalink
    May 26, 2013 6:06 pm

    And you know this, how?

  38. egg permalink
    May 26, 2013 6:12 pm

    Its not Limbo or Hell, we only have two options left.

    With all the wars and mass murders going on its not likely heaven on earth.

  39. TB Queensland permalink
    May 26, 2013 6:34 pm

    Remember you told me I needed a job the other day.egg?

    May I suggest you get a life … here in the Big H! 😆

  40. egg permalink
    May 26, 2013 6:47 pm

    So this is IT?

    Any chance of reincarnation?

  41. May 26, 2013 6:50 pm

    ” Life on earth is similar to purgatory. ”
    mrs-egg must be thrilled with your life out-look

  42. IPA address permalink
    May 26, 2013 8:15 pm

    ?

  43. egg permalink
    May 26, 2013 8:46 pm

    Its a generality, thinking of all those other poor buggers who aren’t as lucky as us.

  44. May 26, 2013 11:41 pm

    I have nothing to worry about, on account of it all being a load of humancentric shit. Made up, like Alice in Wonderland, but with far more uptight moralising & confected judgement.

    Fancy being worried about a self perpetuating load of fables. If that don’t beat all.

    Dob me in to your imaginary friend all you like snacty. It will make about as much difference as talking to your microwave about me.

  45. egg permalink
    May 27, 2013 9:18 am

    Like toilet said, but what the hell can we do about those other non-christian god botherers. This is not a level playing field.

    ‘THE Australian National University has cited international violence in the wake of the Danish cartoon and Innocence of Muslims controversies in justifying its decision to force student newspaper Woroni to pulp a satirical infographic which described a passage from the Koran as a “rape fantasy”.

    ‘The university also threatened student authors and editors of the infographic with disciplinary action, including academic exclusion and the withdrawal of the publication’s funding.’

    Rachel Baxendale in the Oz

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