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June 28, 2013
It looks like torture and it is.

It looks like torture and it is.

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything original on the blog which I can largely put down to three things.  Firstly, the fact that I’ve recently started a new job working in the field of psychology, yes “psychology,” as well as the fact that generally speaking I’ve been apathetically lazy, and thirdly because “you lot” probably couldn’t care less anyway.

Following on from last year’s experimental flirtation with the controversial anti-addiction psychotropic drug Ibogaine – the African voodoo drug currently banned in Australia, I have embarked on more leisurely pursuits closer to home.

Seldom can it be said that I rarely do things by halves.  When I was a smoker, I would smoke forty cigarettes a day, which, believe it or not, actually takes quite a concerted effort. You’ve basically got to have one on the go all the time.

Consider for example, that within the confines of a busy office environment, a “typical chain smoker” (I know, a concept which is now considered a thing of the past largely because they’ve all died out), would perhaps smoke a cigarette every fifteen minutes.

By the time you’ve clocked off from work you’ve probably smoked a packet and half, and sure enough the prospect of knocking off another 10 or 20 cigarettes in the space of a few hours at the pub is a walk in the park.

Like smoking and drinking and other profoundly harmful but nonetheless immensely satisfying pursuits, I like to throw myself into the deep end, with an enthusiasm that would otherwise be considered stupid and reckless in today’s politically correct circles.

Basically, I’m what you might call, an “all or nothing kind of guy”.

Recently, I found a new dentist in Moonee Ponds. A middle-aged middle-Eastern man with impeccable white teeth who was charming as well as slightly camp. After a quick poke and feel (of my teeth) he told that my teeth were being worn down by “grinding.”

And for this, I would require a “plate” to be made which I would have to wear before going to bed at night to prevent any further wear and tear.

What causes that ?, I asked trying to sound as innocent as possible, while all the time knowing that he’s probably thinking “here’s another speed freak” before saying, “oh, it’s probably just something you do subconsciously…”

Dentists these days, have the whole racket sorted out.

On the walls surrounding me were posters of young people with brilliant white smiles, as well as before and after shots of people who had undergone “Zoom” whitening treatment.

What’s that all about?, I asked, feigning interest while simultaneously trying to distract attention from his rapidly drawing conclusions that I was just another patient who needs to lay off the crack pipe.

“Oh, that’s our new whitening treatment, it’s really good. It usually costs $1000 but this month it’s only $750” he said.

“Put me down for one of those…” I said, somehow thinking that perhaps my ambition to have a nice set of pearlers would impress him.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but the so-called “teeth whitening procedure” actually involves your mouth being placed in an open vice like device which stretches your mouth open for one hour while a bright light shines on some sort of radioactive gel smeared on your teeth in the hope that it might make them a shade or two lighter.

So here I am two weeks later, and two thousand dollars poorer with sparkling white teeth, and a plate I’ll never probably wear, because oddly enough it’s as comfortable as shoving a dinner plate in your gob before you go off to sleep.



13 Comments leave one →
  1. Hummmph permalink
    June 28, 2013 10:15 pm

    I almost need to see a psychologist before I see the dentist. Phobia. Dentists are big business these days.

  2. TB Queensland permalink
    June 28, 2013 10:53 pm

    … and thirdly because “you lot” probably couldn’t care less anyway.


  3. June 28, 2013 10:54 pm

    I installed some cables for OPG (OrthoPanTomoGram) ie groovey radial dental xray machine last week. The dentist buys it using finance before the end of financial year.
    He gets the GST back on the full purchase price next BAS statement, he reduced his Tax burden by buying equipment and can over service the patients as well. Interest rates are low. Brilliant.

    Very sound investment, no brainer really!

    PS We love you Reb

  4. TB Queensland permalink
    June 28, 2013 11:02 pm

    Brilliant? … can over service the patients as well …

    Why has the world become full of symbiotic parasites, leeching my meagre income?

    Sick …

  5. June 28, 2013 11:30 pm

    That was tongue in cheek. I go to that dentist. Don’t worry I wasn’t shy about charging him accordingly.

    Dentists aren’t caregivers they’re business men. (I mean robber barons)

  6. IPA permalink
    June 29, 2013 9:40 am

    That’s funny. My ex(!) dentist used to lie back in the chair after work and have a puff or two of laughing gas. He’s now moved on to crystal meth. 😯

  7. TB Queensland permalink
    June 29, 2013 10:32 am

    (I mean robber barons)

    Chuckle …

    $7000.00 for two new front teeth three years ago … they stopped hurting a year ago! 😯 (“We can’t find anything wrong, Mr TB”)

    And why don’t endodontists, peridontists and dentist give any warranty?

  8. Hummmph permalink
    June 29, 2013 12:08 pm

    Dentists must find the going tough and completion is fierce .
    Dentist I used to go to here, cracked, and set fire to the oppositions surgery.
    It took a heavy toll on him, staff at the hospital didn’t enjoy having to chase him around the hospital grounds ( he always played this game naked)
    Any way , after treatment, he now has his license back, set himself up again, but I have heard that the clinic where he rents rooms, and the visiting dentist up the street keep the fire extinguishers handy.

    Happy Birthday TB, they say 66 is the new 44.
    With your teeth, you may well have value for money, just imagine when your long gone, your coffin may be empty but for a couple of beautiful teeth.

  9. TB Queensland permalink
    June 29, 2013 12:19 pm

    LOL! hmp … thanks for the thought – teeth I mean … 😆

  10. public toilet permalink
    June 29, 2013 12:42 pm

    Definitely shoulda been a dentist.

    An orthodontist even. They do very little & drive around in Porsches.

    My parents always harangued me about brushing my fangs, these days I’m glad of that.

    Amusing anecdote, reb. Not as good as official facts from snacty’skates though.

  11. public toilet permalink
    June 29, 2013 12:43 pm

    * mates…stoopid autocorrect…

  12. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    June 29, 2013 1:37 pm

    Can you imagine the type of young person that would be attracted to studying dentistry?

    I’d like to spend a career peering into rotten mouths and smelling bad breath, and because I enjoy watching people get very anxious and uncomfortable…dentistry is for me!!

    Giving needles is a real bonus!

  13. Splatterbottom permalink
    July 1, 2013 10:38 am

    “Dentists these days, have the whole racket sorted out.”

    Indeed. I have to decide now whether to pay $25k or $50k to get my top teeth replaced. $50k gets you permanent porcelain. $25k gets you clip in teeth that aren’t as durable. I can’t afford either.

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