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Cricket with Tom of Melbourne

December 22, 2013


From behind the mahogany desk of Tom of Melbourne comes this Cricket Update….


There are certain characteristics that define individuals – the really important things that allow us to pass judgment on one another – things like integrity, compassion, preferred football team, whether you prefer shiraz or pinot noir.

There is one trait that pits “us” against “them” – cricket. Without exception Our Aussie hero cricketers are role models (and their wags set a fair standard for women folk too).

Who can forget the brave Aussies in the 1930s fending off the provocative bodyline bowling of the Pommy cheats? Most of us remember it well. Pommy cheats who weren’t playing within the spirit of the game. Then we have the whinging Kiwis, on and on about the so called spirit of the game when Our Greg Chappell instructed his brother to deliver and entirely legal underarm ball along the ground to prevent a run. Learn the rules Kiwis!

What about that Javid Miandad provoking Our DK Lillee to the point of Lillee having to kick him! As if Dennis didn’t have enough to think about, without being heckled by a foreign batsman in Our own Country!

Even the cricket administrators conspire against Our boys, with Ian Mekiff having his fine career cut shout by being called for throwing! Soon after this the same rules allowed Mr Muttiah Muralitharan to continue to play despite being no balled for throwing by an expert Aussie umpire! It’s a disgrace.

Off the field Our boys show true spirit. David Boon’s effort in consuming a couple of slabs of VB on his way to London has inspired a generation of youths to have a go! Heathrow now has a dozen wheelchairs waiting for each Qantas flight, and the paper bags have been replaced by 25 litre garbage bags.

Our Shane Warne has proved to be a man among men, even though he can’t grow a moustache. Who among us hasn’t been filmed in our underwear with a couple of English lasses?  While his romance with Miss Hurley may have run its course, I think Danni Minogue is available and entirely suitable.

Go Shane!

Only those without a skeric of sentimentality, decency and Aussie patriotism would be unmoved by Our Aussie heroes taking on the might of England.


19 Comments leave one →
  1. December 22, 2013 7:34 pm


  2. egg permalink
    December 22, 2013 8:09 pm

    Dry and sweet, excellent coverage.

  3. IPA permalink
    December 22, 2013 9:54 pm

    Warnie is a man among men, and one can only hope Our Liz is delivered from her grief by another Aussie pants man sporting hero. Gawd knows, the Poms aren’t up to it.

    Oi, Oi, Oi!

  4. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    December 22, 2013 9:57 pm



  5. Dianne permalink
    December 23, 2013 5:44 am

    Well done TOM even though I am ‘unmoved’ by the taking on of might.

    The pic of Warnie is a bit frightening. Bit Abbott-like n’est-ce pas?

  6. Splatterbottom permalink
    December 23, 2013 11:14 am

    The Warne pic is more Sir Les Patterson than Tony Abbott. Or perhaps it is Bob Ellis.

    The most enjoyable thing about the Ashes is the mental disintegration of the Pommies. Swann had to go. Not least because of his pathetic comments about English football:

    “Personally I hope little Scottie Borthwick gets a chance before long. He’s a legspinner with a bit of x-factor and he can bat as well. Despite supporting Man City and Sunderland, two of the worst teams in England, he’s a good guy.”

    Obviously this Borthwick fellow has potential.

  7. TB Queensland permalink
    December 23, 2013 12:01 pm

    The most boring game ever invented …

    … it is supposed to be a “game” ain’t … 😯

    A few hours away and this place just degenerates … OR is this a ToMMy Coup(er)?

  8. December 23, 2013 12:07 pm

    I am unmoved

  9. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    December 23, 2013 1:00 pm

    England is already humiliated by an Aussie (oi!) tattooed bogan with a moustache, and there are still 2 tests to go.

    It can only get better, and my tip is that Aussie Liz will take up with Ian Chappell.

  10. December 23, 2013 1:12 pm

    How quickly they forget… 🙄

  11. egg permalink
    December 24, 2013 8:56 am

    ‘This tour was a already a disaster … Now it’s a joke’

    ‘Graeme Swann’s swipe at his teammates creates furore among Ashes team and sparks Twitter row with former England captain Michael Vaughan.’

  12. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    December 24, 2013 11:43 am

    Maybe I’m wrong after all.

    Graham Swan’s grandmother is critical of the Aussies! (or one of them) And her opinion should be enough to persuade any of us.

    I also think it is marvellous that she is publicly commenting on her 34 year old grandson, that’s what the Poms need, more old women providing motivation and wisdom.

    Can she bowl?

    There is something gone wrong there and I blame the Australian players. Not all the Australian players, a certain one,” Mina Swann, 89, told The Journal newspaper in Newcastle, England.
    “I do not think they have been [made] very welcome, the team. He is not easily upset, there is something nasty happened.”

    Read more:

  13. egg permalink
    December 24, 2013 12:27 pm

    Funny ToM, keep them comin’ .

  14. GOD( The Real and Original One......Dont Be Fooled by Cheap Non Pork Chop Eating Copies) permalink
    December 24, 2013 12:32 pm

    Is Graeme Swann’s nanny actually Catching Up ?

  15. Splatterbottom permalink
    December 24, 2013 5:46 pm

    The English team has been mentally crushed. Their heads are in a very bad place at the moment. When deserting the team Graeme Swann told us exactly where that place is.

  16. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    December 28, 2013 7:27 pm

    When character was required, it was shown only by the Aussies!

    OI! OI! OI!!

    It’s a pleasure to watch our fine young men bowling at the throats of the insipid poms.

  17. egg permalink
    January 1, 2014 1:23 pm

    ToM what does this mean? Pietersen steps back to distract the bowler?

    ‘Mitchell Johnson says he will not back down if Kevin Pietersen continues to step away during the paceman’s run-up at the SCG.’


  18. TB Queensland permalink
    January 1, 2014 6:58 pm

    Gawd, haven’t the fkn Poms gawn ‘ome yet? 🙄

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