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Weekend Gab Fest!

November 13, 2020

Hello!

There’s so much going on in the world, it’s hard to know where to start or which way to look.

But in whichever direction you turn there’s madness and chaos!

Aside from record (and rapidly escalating) Covid deaths in the US, and the plague spreading unchecked across Europe and the UK, and multiple allegations of sexual impropriety amongst some of Australia’s most senior government MPs, and a US President who refuses to accept electoral defeat, the biggest tragedy of all is unfolding in Queensland where Sizzler has served its last “Fried Cheese Toast.”

Popular amongst bogans and feral families, the budget style ‘buffet behemoth’ has announced it is closing its doors for good this month, citing ‘changing consumer behaviour’ for its demise.

The fact that no one wants to eat mass produced shit any more must have been quite a revelation, but it would be wrong to dismiss this as the only reason the once formidable chain has joined the ranks of Red Rooster and Oporto.

Paying thirty bucks for a piece of tanned leather masquerading as a steak served with a smattering of frozen vegetables and congealed muck purporting to be gravy is a veritable smack in the head, when you can enjoy a premium piece of perfectly grilled beef for a few dollars more at a reputable establishment without the indignity of hordes of screaming kids running riot somehow typifying the ‘ambience’.

Not that I was ever a patron, so my loss will be barely felt, however my thoughts are with TB at this difficult time.

Apparently, as a final insult, Sizzler have revealed the recipe for their “Cheese Toast.”

Happy days.

US ELECTION: ‘APOCALYPSE NOW’ EDITION

November 2, 2020

THINGS ARE GOING SWIMMINGLY WELL over at the land of the free with the US election considered too close to call despite polls showing Biden in a comfortable lead.

We all know what happened last time, so literally no one is prepared to predict the outcome of the absolute shit show that’s currently underway. Most pundits are saying the final result may not be known for weeks as many voters opt to mail in their ballots rather than face an 8-hour wait to cast their vote in person.

To suggest that the US is a tinderbox waiting to go off at the slightest hint of a Trump dummy spit or worse – a call to his rightwing fan base (armed militia) to take to the streets to defend ‘democracy’ (ie his autocracy) hardly seems controversial in the current environment, but here we find ourselves.

It’s conduct befitting a tinpot dictator in some impoverished nation, which the US arguably is becoming. Despite holding the mantle as the strongest economy on the planet, the growing divide between the “haves” and “have nots” continues to grow.

Trump knows how to pander to his base; those on the bottom rung of society who feel that the system is against them. All Trump offers is bitterness, resentment and anger, and they lap it up. because that’s exactly how they feel.

But aside from that, it’s all showmanship. There’s nothing else there. For those outside looking in, it’s quite a bizarre circus. To see one of the world’s once proudest democracies descend into destruction, division and chaos is quite something.

What do you think will happen?

AFL Grand Final Footy Preview!

October 22, 2020

It’s that time of the year again, where Tom of Melbourne reveals his thoughts and predictions for this year’s AFL Grand Final….

Well done to Queensland!

They have already appropriated:

* Melbourne’s biggest bogans

* the fattest pensioners 

* the shadiest businessmen

* our most surgically enhanced blondes

And now they have the Grand Final!  


But there will be challenges for the locals who attend the game. The most common questions and comments of spectators- 

* can he do that?

* wasn’t that a knock on?

* those guys look too athletic to play football and they have necks!

* why didn’t the coach finish each sentence with “but”?

It has been a great season for genuine football lovers, with Adelaide finishing last.

I’m tipping that they’ll go back to back! That will cheer up people in the civilised parts of the country, ie Victoria. And we definitely need more cheering up.

It’s a long weekend, and Bunnings are certainly tuned into the level of leisure and activity available here. 

They are advertising a vegetable garden to “plant and watch grow”. That’s about as much action as we can legally get away with at the moment.

I can’t wait for the next lockdown project from Bunnings – paint something and watch it dry.

I’m tipping Richmond to win the game, because Dusty has lots of tats and a Gold Coast tan. And I’m trying to decide whether to watch the game or watch my Bunnings vegetables grow.

So many exciting choices in lockdown! 

Gladys Berejiklian: The Tractor. The iPad. The Cover Up!

October 14, 2020

GLADYS BEREJIKLIAN’S political career is almost certainly over as the sordid details of her love-struck relationship with dodgy and now disgraced former MP Daryl Maguire become clearer (or murkier) by the day.

Her former flame is fronting the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC) to answer questions about whether his behaviour while in parliament could be considered corrupt.

Berejiklian claims she has “tried to be as frank as possible” about her relationship with Daryl Maguire, while not being frank at all.  Although entitled to some degree of privacy in theory, she’s desperately clinging to semantics for her political survival.

It’s already been revealed that she met with two publicans with criminal records at the behest of Maguire, while Maguire himself suffered an unfortunate mishap where his iPhone and iPad were destroyed in a freak tractor incident – destroying potentially incriminating evidence.

To be fair it’s happened to us all at some point. Tractor. iPad. iPhone. Just an accident waiting to happen, really…

Trump gets the Chinah Virus!

October 2, 2020

THE FINAL SEASON OF AMERICA has taken a remarkable plot twist with the President of the United States (played by colourful reality TV personality Donald Trump) and the late King of Pop Michael Jackson as his hilarious wife #FLOTUS succumbing to the much maligned “Chinah Virus.”

For those following along at home, Australia’s Chinah Virus expert Dr Norman Swan says that at the Donald Trump’s age of 74, the mortality rate is 5-12%.

But, he says, that obesity (the president is just over the line as obese in his last medical check) increases the risk by an extra 40%, increasing the risk of death to between about 7-18%.

Some of us were hoping for something a little higher.

Trump’s personal physician says that the president and first lady will “remain at home within the White House during their convalescence”.

Trump’s Physician Harold Bornstein

How long this convalescence lasts will depend on how ill the pair get. Even if Trump tests negative within the next 14 days, he will almost certainly be unable to attend rallies in three key states – Wisconsin, Florida and Arizona – as well as the next presidential debate, which is scheduled for 15 October.

Which is all really sad.

Weekend Gab Fest: Strange but True!

September 25, 2020

Hello and good afternoon.

So how about we try something completely different. I’ve read a couple of bizarre stories this week, one of which I’ve forgotten before I’ve had the opportunity to share with youse, the other is this story about how this guy dropped dead from a liquorice overdose.

There are many ways to die, especially in Australia where we have more than our fair share of deadly creatures, but I think this has to be the first time I’ve heard of someone dying from liquorice. And what made this particular story all the more interesting is that he had recently made the switch from those raspberry twirl sticks to the black variety, and I thought “I used to eat those!” Which is perhaps a lesson to all of us that you shouldn’t change a routine.

So let’s see if you have any other ‘strange but true’ type stories from the last week or so, and more-so see if we can keep it politics free..!

At the Movies with Kevin Rudd: The Return of the NBN

September 23, 2020

The Gutter Trash is pleased to present a special movie preview from guest contributor and former Prime Minister Kevin Rudd..

In the midst of the Covid pandemic, nostalgia seems to be the prevalent theme in both political circles and Hollywood alike with voters and viewers longing for a better time when the world wasn’t on the brink of some cataclysmic climate-change induced catastrophe that pretty much spells the end of civilisation as we know it.

Which brings us to the latest instalment from the satirical comedy franchise “the Scott Morrison Government” with “Back to the Future part five: The Return of the NBN.”

In this ultimately disappointing and unnecessary remake of the Rudd Government 2007 black and white original, modern day protagonist – played by relative newcomer Communications Minister Paul Fletcher – finds himself in the unenviable position of explaining why the present day government has decided to reintroduce the very same Labor initiated fibre-to-the-home broadband strategy it has spent years deriding to a bemused yet ultimately unsurprised public.

Despite his lack of experience, Fletcher is perfectly cast as the befuddled minister in a role that’s reminiscent of Stuart Robert’s performance in “Robodebt: The Musical,” or “Census and Sensibility.”

Angus Taylor also gets a look-in as the gaffe-prone butler ‘Gaston,’ but ultimately it’s Scott Morrison’s indifferent and lacklustre performance as “the man who wasn’t there” that makes this sorry tale completely forgettable.  

Josh Thomas of “Please Like Me” fame, also perfectly cast as Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, makes a welcome return to the silver screen in a cameo role as a disgruntled armchair critic, who spends much of his time criticising other performers while managing to overlook his own glaring intellectual incompetence. It’s a marvel to behold.

However, there’s a difference between a movie that touches our hearts and one that invites us to wallow in shit. And as much as I wanted to enjoy this movie, I couldn’t help but feeling that I’d seen it all before, or at least a foretaste of what could have been something so much better under the hands of a more experienced director.

Two and half stars.

Margaret..?

Pauline Hanson’s StubbyGate!

September 10, 2020

She slammed them as alcoholics and drug addicts, but controversial Queensland Senator Pauline Hanson is this week embroiled in a political scandal that stretches all the way from Melbourne’s most disadvantaged public housing estates to the most senior ranking officials at Australia Post.

It began as just your typical run-of-the-mill toxic race-based attack Pauline Hanson’s renowned for, when she appeared Channel Seven’s Summer of Nazis show ‘Sunrise’ to complain about the “derro’s” and junkies living in two separate estates in Flemington and North Melbourne in the city’s inner north-west.

The perpetually outraged Hanson, claimed that the residents of the towers were “from war-torn countries” and said “probably English is their second language” and that they had not “adhered to the rules of social distancing”.

But this week it’s been reported attempted that Pauline, in a rare moment of introspection, decided to make amends for denigrating these unfortunate souls on national television for her own political purposes by sending a small token of her appreciation via Australia Post.

And what better gift for those you have just slammed as alcoholics and drug addicts than a Pauline Hanson stubbie holder emblazoned with her mugshot and the slogan “I’ve got the guts to say what you’re thinking.”

It was accompanied with a hand-written note that read: “No hard feelings”.

You will be Vaccinated!

August 19, 2020
Anti-vaxxer Karen protests against Scott Morrison’s proposed mandatory COVID-19 vaccination

Fresh from doing absolutely nothing other than absolving himself from any responsibility for the atrocious state of Australia’s Aged Care system, Prime Minister Morrison has today announced that a COVID-19 vaccine will be compulsory for all Australians with some possible exceptions allowed on “medical grounds.”

Maintaining his stellar track record for announcing things that don’t necessarily correlate to events occurring in ‘the real world,’ the PM said that the vaccine will be free of charge.*

*Spoiler alert: There is currently no vaccine.

It follows on from that other hugely successful initiative, the Federal Government’s HomeBuilder package, launched three months ago as a lifeline to the construction industry as it risks collapse under the impact of the Coronavirus.

The scheme, worth some $680million in available grants, has only attracted 247 applications. 

But wait, there’s more.

Last week the Treasury department revealed that even with these low numbers, no payments have actually been paid.

“As of 7 August, South Australia had received 157 applications, Tasmania had received, by the 4 August, 90 applications, and those are [all] the applications that have been received to date,” Jenny Wilkinson, Treasury’s fiscal group deputy secretary, told The Gutter Trash.

“To date, no payments have been made…because the criteria for payment hasn’t occurred, she said.”

Even if all 247 applications do eventually receive their grants, it will amount to less than 1% of the original number expected to roll in.

Is there any success story this government can’t turn its hand to?

Hotel Guards hired through ‘WhatsApp’ !

July 22, 2020

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In an astounding turn of events, it’s been revealed that the Hotel Security Guards responsible for maintaining COVID-19 quarantine protocols at some of Melbourne’s exclusive hotels were recruited via popular messaging app ‘WhatsApp,’ given no training and asked to ‘bring their own masks’.

In a process that’s been slammed as incredibly murky, some job applicants didn’t even know who they were actually working for.

Shayla Shakshi was one of the guards who received a WhatsApp message offering her work as a quarantine security guard in a Melbourne hotel.

“They actually contacted me and they’re like, ‘Would you like to work at this place?” she told The Gutter Trash.

“And I’m like, I don’t know who you guys are, what company, nothing.

“I just got told that you need to be here at a certain time and you’re going to dress in a certain way and this is your pay rate. That’s it.”

Towards the end of march and without any tender process, the Victorian Government contracted a number of private security operators to guard hotel quarantine guests.

The Gutter Trash has obtained a series of WhatsApp messages which reveal how some security guards were recruited to work in these Melbourne quarantine hotels.

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On May 30, three days after the first hotel coronavirus outbreak at Rydges on Swanston, there was a call out for “40 guards” to do quarantine work at the hotel.

When someone in the group asked about the rate of pay, the organiser responded, “25 dollars, ABN” — signifying the guards weren’t expected to be directly employed by the company, but act as independent contractors and supply an Australian Business Number.

Ms Shakshi also claimed there were no infection-control protocols at the Stamford Plaza when she worked there in May.

“We didn’t get any training when I got there,” she said.

“They just didn’t tell us what training we had to do, we just had to put a mask on, put gloves on, and that’s it.

“They had no training of how to use PPE (personal protective equipment), how to sanitise hands, nothing. No training at all.

“Then some levels didn’t have sanitisers, so it was really tricky.

“You just didn’t want to touch anything.”

At the end of her first day on the job, Ms Shakshi said her supervisors told her to bring her own personal protective equipment to wear the next day.

“Bring your own masks from tomorrow, bring your own gloves, your own sanitisers, because we might run out because we have so many guards on site,” she said.

She was so appalled she decided it wasn’t worth coming back.

“I was like, no, I don’t want to work at a place which is so unsafe.

“That was the first shift I did …first and last shift.

“I just didn’t want to go back there.”

Within weeks of Ms Shakshi cancelling the rest of her shifts, an outbreak linked to security guards at the hotel was confirmed.

“I just knew something would happen,” Ms Shakshi said.

“Guards were hitting each other. They’re hugging each other. They were touching each other.

“They weren’t actually serious about how serious this COVID is.

“They were taking it as a joke, like, oh, it’s just some virus that anyone can get. You know, we’re not going to get it.”

Ms Shakshi watched, horrified, as that initial COVID-19 outbreak spread.

And she is just glad she didn’t stay.

“It was just really scary working there because they didn’t care,” she said.

“It was really horrible.”

 

 

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