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“Paranoid” Ben Roberts-Smith sets things on Fire!

June 24, 2021

Decorated soldier Ben Roberts-Smith has told a packed courtroom that he poured petrol on his laptop and set it on fire because this is something “he does all the time” citing two other occasions where he destroyed other computer equipment in this fashion.

You see, according to Mr Roberts-Smith, these are not the actions of someone with something to hide, but rather the perfectly reasonable behaviour of someone who prefers to destroy items of value in a hailstorm of napalm instead of say, restoring factory settings, cleaning the hard drive and selling on Gumtree.

I mean, it’s not like he concealed photographic evidence – stored on a USB key – and buried it in his backyard in a pink lunchbox, or threatened potential witnesses, or hired a private investigator to stalk his ex-wife.

No, those would be the actions of a paranoid individual who knows he’s well up shit creek and approaches uncomfortable situations with threats of violence, intimidation and a self-assured sense of invincibility and hero-machismo. A bit like what cadets are taught in the army.

James ” Cuddles” Hennessey. The Private Investigator Ben Roberts-Smith hired to tail his ex-wife

Defence barrister for Nine Entertainment Co, Nicholas Owens SC, had similar questions.

“Why did you burn your hard drive with petrol?” Mr Owens asked.

“If I’m not going to trade a computer in, then I always destroy the hard drive, said Roberts-Smith . 

“It’s just the nature of knowing how people take things off your hard drive.”

To be fair, who amongst us hasn’t set fire to our belongings ‘just for the hell of it’ or before trading them in?

I took my car to the local Mazda dealer last week for an upgrade, and much to my surprise wasn’t treated seriously.

How much d’ya reckon she’s worth?

The bizarre life and times of Christian Porter

June 3, 2021

The former Attorney General Christian Porter fronted the media earlier this week to claim victory over his defamation case against the ABC despite requesting a mediation hearing and dropping his legal action.

It was a bizarre performance where he claimed that the “ABC was no longer going to defend the case” which is kind of stating the obvious if you’re abandoning your legal action.

No amount of spin or bluster can disguise the fact that the withdrawal of his defamation claim against the ABC is a victory for the public broadcaster, and an embarrassing backdown for Christian Porter.

Despite originally seeking damages and an apology, it is understood Porter later approached the ABC for a relatively modest financial settlement without an apology or a retraction of the article, which the ABC rejected.

To this day, the ABC stands by the article and its journalism.

Porter didn’t have to withdraw his suit. He did so in exchange for an unremarkable statement of the obvious from the ABC, that “some readers of the article” in question may have incorrectly interpreted it as an accusation of guilt.

Hardly a startling revelation or capitulation.

In summary:

  • Christian Porter withdraws case.
  • ABC pays zero damages to Porter.
  • Article about allegations against Porter remains online.
  • No apology from the ABC to Porter.
  • No backing down by the ABC.
  • ABC says it stands by the article.

In case any non-legal types are confused, “settling” a case that you started, and getting no money is more accurately called losing.

Virgin CEO: “Let them all die – I’ve got a business to run here!”

May 18, 2021

Virgin boss Jayne Hrdlicka has announced that Australia’s borders should be flung open far sooner than next year even if it means “some people will die.”

The airline CEO told those attending a business lunch on Monday that Australia risked “being left behind” if it did not reopen borders once an adequate number of Australians had been vaccinated.

“This whole ‘keeping Australians safe thing’ is getting in the way of business profits and the viability of our industry,” she said.

Hrdlicka said it was “a mistake” to think that Australia could keep the virus out “forever”, and said that remaining isolated from the rest of the world posed both a “health and economic risk” to the country.

“I mean, what’s a few dead bodies, if it means the rest of us go to Bali?

“We’re all going to be sicker than we ever have been in the past because we’re not exposed to the viruses and challenges that the rest of the world is dealing with, so we need to get the borders open for our health and the economy,” she said.

“It needs to change so that Covid will become part of the community.”

It’s all very well for Hrdlicka to make these sort of remarks, but it’s incumbent on the airline boss to nominate some specifics, such as “how many deaths are acceptable?”

How many are too few (or too many), and who should be sacrificed first?

I suggest we start with her immediate family.

“Minister for Manilla” George Christensen Quits!

April 23, 2021

FAT CUNT and Philippino aficionado George Christensen has announced he’s quitting politics due to a “lack of progress” on conservative issues he holds dear such as religious discrimination, the development of more coal-fired power stations and “freedom of speech”.

The controversial Queensland MP will best be remembered for his contribution to Manilla’s tourism industry.

Since 2014, he spent around 100 days a year staying at “seedy hotels” in Angeles City – the red light area of Manila – where he frequented bars and strip clubs on the taxpayer’s coin.

A 2018 investigation found that the MP – described by Turnbull as “a young man, grossly obese and single at the time” – had not done anything illegal.

Turnbull remarked that “it beggars belief” an MP could spend nearly a third of the year overseas, on full pay, with the Nationals either not knowing or not caring.

He also noted that the north Queensland MP was a conservative with a statue of the Virgin Mary in this office and a tattoo of her on his shoulder.

Of Christensen’s trips, he said: “The hypocrisy made me sick.”

Announcing his departure from politics, Christensen said he wanted to spend more time with his family, including his wife April Asuncion, who were “caught up overseas” due to pandemic border closures.

The pair met in a “”karaoke bar”” during one of the MP’s 28 trips abroad.

A spokesperson from the Philippines Department of Tourism said the Minister’s contribution to the country’s struggling tourism sector would be sorely missed citing in 2015 alone he was responsible for 65 per cent of the developing nation’s GDP.

WE ARE NOT RACISTS! Says family descended from medieval selective breeding program.

March 12, 2021

We might be Nazis, but we are not racists, is the defence emanating from the House of Windsor as the fallout from the Harry and Meghan interview with Oprah Winfrey continues to shake the foundations of the monarchy.

The Duke of Edinburgh, already dead by all accounts, is ‘recuperating’ in hospital while the remaining monarchs are left to pretend his track record of racist off-the-cuff remarks about ‘people of colour’ somehow didn’t occur – are left floundering wondering how on earth they’re going to respond to this latest crisis.

It’s not so much that they don’t like black people or Asians, it’s just that those of pure Germanic origin tend to be more photogenic and accustomed to dressing up in fancy uniforms with or without military paraphernalia. It’s all very high-camp, but obviously not in a gay way (in case there’s any misunderstanding about that). Just ask Prince Edward.

No, the monarchy is performing just as it should. Reminding us that aside from the occasional ‘indiscretion’ (Charles and Camilla, Diana and Dodi Fayed, Fergie and the toe-sucker, Prince Andrew and anything in a skirt), they are upstanding citizens of the highest order, well-deserving of their lives of extravagant taxpayer-funded wealth and privilege for generations to come.

Besides, those ribbons aren’t going to cut themselves.   

Everything you need to know about the Australian Govt’s battle with Facebook!

February 19, 2021

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT’S BATTLE WITH FACEBOOK is showing no signs of abating with Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg slamming the social media giant as a “bully” for not acquiescing to the Federal Government’s demands that it pay to give Rupert Murdoch’s media conglomerate free publicity in the form of hyperlink’s to the Sun Herald and Daily Telegraph trashy rags on Facebook news feeds.

Oddly enough, Facebook didn’t consider this free publicity for News Corp to be critical to its business operations or essential to its future viability.

Somewhat bizarrely, Josh Frydenberg expected Facebook to capitulate to the Government’s demands for reasons that are best known to Mr Frydenberg and remain a mystery to the rest of us.

For those who need to catch up, our understanding is that the conversation between the Treasurer and Marke Zuckerberg from Facebook went something like this…

Oz Govt: “Facebook, we don’t like the free publicity you give to our mate Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers with all your free links to his websites”

FB: “Oh ok.”

Oz Govt: “In fact we think you outta pay for that – even tho you’re giving our mate free publicity.”

FB: “We don’t think we really need to pay.”

Oz Govt: “Well we think you do, and we’re gonna make a new law so that you’ll have to.”

FB: “Uh, ok, we’ll just stop doing it then.”

OZ Govt: “Yeah sure, we dare ya…!”

FB: “Uh ok, then.”

OZ Govt: “Hey, what’s going on, all that free publicity to our mate Rupert’s newspapers has just vanished overnight…! WTAF is going on….??!!”

FB: “Um, we decided to stop doing it.”

OZ Govt: “What..??!! You guys can’t do that…!! Why are you bullying us…??!! You’re destroying free speech in Australia… WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU…!!

FB: “….”

OZ Govt: “Facebook is the enemy of the people. They hate our way of life and want to destroy our freedoms….!!

FB: “….”

How did it go so Horribly Wrong for QAnon?

January 21, 2021

Disappointment and confusion has descended upon the members of QAnon, the peculiar movement that’s convinced a cabal of Satan-worshipping Democrats, celebrities and billionaires are secretly running the world while overseeing a global pedophilic human-trafficking scheme.

QAnon supporters were convinced that the inauguration of Joe Biden as President of the United States would trigger a kind of “doomsday event” that would culminate with the arrest of senior Democrats and see Donald Trump reinstalled as President for a second term.

But the doomsday scenario didn’t transpire.  

Trump, now a former one-term, twice-impeached president is in Florida, and President Joe Biden is in the Whitehouse.

Screenshots of bewildered and disillusioned QAnon supporters spread across social media with one believer posting a comment titled “Anyone else feeling beyond let down now?” with a description that said:

“It’s like being a kid and seeing the big gift under the tree thinking it is exactly what you want only to open it and realize it was a lump of coal the whole time.”

Others said they felt “sick,” and “sad and confused” as the inauguration of President Biden went off without a hitch.

 Some QAnon supporters attempted to ‘recalibrate’ their doomsday theory suggesting that the installation of Biden as President is in fact, part of Trump’s carefully orchestrated plan to take down the global cabal of pedophilic Satan’s worshippers.

“The more I think about it, I do think it’s very possible that Biden will be the one who pulls the trigger,” said one.

Trump impeached again!

January 14, 2021

It’s a sad day for Donald Trump and his army of sycophants, suckholes and the conga line of supporters who hang on his every word (and invent a few of their own in their parallel-universe of undying loyalty) as a record number of Republicans vote with the Democrats to impeach the President for a second time.

The Democratic majority was joined by 10 Republicans, making the House’s move bipartisan – unlike Trump’s first impeachment less than 13 months ago.

The 10 votes make the impeachment the most bipartisan ever, another historical marker which also creates a deep split in the Republican party which is unlikely to end with Trump’s departure.

The vote ended with Nancy Pelosi, the House Speaker, in the chair, declaring the count of 232 to 197 – but with silence from the Democrats and handful of Republicans still present. Pelosi had warned her members not to celebrate the outcome.

It ended a day of debate in which Pelosi had called Trump a ‘clear and present danger,’ as Democrats said they were standing in a ‘crime scene’ and demanded that Trump pay a price for a campaign of ‘lies and conspiracy theories’ which had fomented violence.  

Apparently Trump’s ‘people’ say he will be issuing a statement soon, but it’s kinda made all the more sweet knowing that he can’t jump onto Twitter to vent his anger.

My Advice for Christmas You’re Welcome

December 25, 2020

Scott Morrison has trashed Australia’s trade relationship with China

December 15, 2020

The Scott Morrison government has, in the space of just a few months, singlehandedly destroyed Australia’s trade relationship with China after a series of massive political bungles have come home to roost in the form of China banning Australian lobster, beef, cotton, timber, barley and now coal.

The Morrison govt, hardly renowned for its appreciation of the nuances of Asian culture is widely regarded by China as ‘deputy sheriff’ to the US following Scott Morrison’s demands for an investigation into the spread of coronavirus earlier this year.

As much as it may rile Trade Minister Simon Birmingham, Foreign Minister Marise Payne and Scott Morrison, the reality is that their actions have prompted the current standoff.

A mere three weeks ago, Scott Morrison wasted no time in demanding an apology from China after a government official uploaded a photoshopped image on Twitter taking aim at Australian soldiers.

The doctored image depicted an Australian solider holding a bloodied knife to the neck of an Afghan child, with a caption that read, “Don’t be afraid, we are coming to bring you peace!”

Morrison scrambled together a hastily organised four-flag-alert press conference to vent his anger over the ‘tweet’ spitting, “It is utterly outrageous and cannot be justified on any basis whatsoever. The Chinese Government should be totally ashamed of this post.”

Oddly enough, said apology didn’t eventuate.

Even someone with a rudimentary understanding of Asian culture would appreciate that megaphone diplomacy seldom works, never mind the most senior elected office-holder in the land with access to a team of foreign affairs diplomats and advisers.

Morrison’s angry outburst, and the fact that China won’t even answer calls from Marise Payne or Simon Birmingham simply confirms that the Morrison government is completely out of its depth and ill-equipped to navigate an effective way forward.

They’ve totally fucked the country’s relationship with one of our most important trading partners as a direct result of their ignorance, arrogance and incompetence, and this time they have no one else to blame.

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