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The Govt’s Homebuilder scheme is a crock of shit. Here’s why.

June 5, 2020

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The Govt’s Homebuilder scheme is a crock of shit. Here’s why:

To qualify for the government’s “homebuilder” grant of $25,000 you must be either  earning $125,000 or less (before tax) or $200k for families.

Grants must be spent to:

  • Build a new home as a principal place of residence valued at up to $750,000 (including land); or
  • Substantially renovate an existing home as a principal place of residence, with renovations valued at between $150,000 and $750,000 and the dwelling not valued at more than $1.5m before the renovation.

By way of context, a single person earning $125,000 is in the top income decile, meaning they earn more than 90% of other Australians.

Even the cheapest renovation eligible for the scheme ($150,000) would require a grant recipient to spend at least $125,000 of their own money – meaning the scheme is most likely to be accessed by those with substantial savings or a willingness to borrow.

Only the LNP could have dreamt up a scheme in a global recession which involves giving people with access to over $150,000 in cash and additional cash handout of $25,000 funded by the taxpayer.

Scott Morrison is calling this a “trade led” recovery, because, let’s face it, builder, developers and tradies have been struggling to get by on sub-optimal incomes for generations (sarcasm alert).

When your ‘friends’ at The Australian aren’t even buying it, you know it stinks!

“Forcing taxpayers to renovate other people’s homes to aid some tradie, who probably earns more than the average taxpayer, is economic and political stupidity”

~ Adam Creighton 

Goodbye Alan Jones: You Fucking Toad

May 29, 2020
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Alan Jones dressed as a ‘Golden Gaytime’ enjoys a cuppa with resident nutter Mark Latham

 

COLOURFUL radio personality, Alan Jones has finally been booted from radio 2GB after decades of spewing filth and vitriol to his tiny audience of disgruntled racists and poncy twats.

Jones, just shy of turning 80, called it a day this morning dedicating his final show to his “loyal, supportive and sometimes critical” listeners.

“My listeners have been wonderful,” he said.

“The program is nothing more really than a great big family.”

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His so-called “radio career” was often mired in controversy such as the Cash for Comment affair where he and fellow broadcaster John Laws accepted personal payments from companies for unscripted promotion of their products on air.

In 2012 he was forced to issue a grovelling apology for saying then Labor PM Julia Gillard’s father John had ‘died of shame’ at a Young Liberals function.

He then called for Australia’s first female PM to be ‘put in a chaff bag’ and thrown out sea.

Just last year he called for Prime Minister Scott Morrison to ‘shove a sock down the throat’ of New Zealand leader Jacinda Ardern, after she criticised Australia’s stance on climate change.

Those comments saw a mass exodus of advertisers, some of them never returning. More than 500 advertisers pulled their money out of 2GB and our sources say the program lost half its revenue.

With Jones on a $4m salary he quickly became a liability, despite his ratings popularity amongst the pearl necklace and pursed lips set.

It was nice of 2GB’s owners Nine Radio to afford the old codger the opportunity to resign (dis)gracefully.

 

Jukebox Jury!

May 21, 2020

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In a refreshing change, here’s a post that has nothing to do with politics – Musics!

And the theme is “underrated tracks from the 80’s.”

The only ‘rule’ is that you have to introduce your track and why you’re posting it.

 

Knock yourself out.

 

 

“It was a sad story and not of much interest to me.”

May 7, 2020

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Fighting COVID-19 with Melania Trump

April 19, 2020

She’s long been derided as “fucken’ useless” but it appears that Whitehouse officials have found a way to put America’s ‘First Lady’ to good use with a series of public health announcements starring none other than Melania Trump herself.

While she may seem like a frosty bitch to those who don’t know her, Melania’s friend and colleague are quick to point out that underneath that cold-hearted, deadpan exterior is a fun-loving quick-witted raconteur that thrives on intellectual stimulation and solving the world’s most pressing problems.

Passionate and charismatic, Melania implores citizens of the world (ie the USA) to practice social distancing and wear a mask in public.  This hadn’t occurred to anyone before, and could be just the ticket to save millions of lives.

Thank you Mrs Trump…!

Although I think Marg Downey did it better, tbh…

 

Hotel Hell: Quarantined Aussies say they’re being “treated like asylum seekers!”

April 1, 2020
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“A complete and utter dump”

DESPERATE AUSTRALIANS fleeing the peril of those floating petri dishes of hell like the Ruby Princess are now finding themselves thrust face-first into 14 days of mandatory quarantine at some of Australia’s finest 5 star hotels.

However, the picture is far from rosy, with many of these new-found “guests” reporting prison-like conditions, disgusting food, and staff who treat them “like criminals.”

“It’s a living hellhole,” said Felicity Purdue-Smythe, 62 of Mosman, NSW.

“We had just arrived back from our annual skiing trip in Aspen to suffer the indignity of being transported in ‘a bus’ to the Intercontinental Hotel at Circular Quay, only to find that our regular suite had been allocated to other travellers.”

“It’s a disgrace. I’ve never felt so humiliated in all my life, said Felicity”

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“The food is fucking awful” is a regular complaint

Her husband, retired General Sir Neville Codswallop, 86, agreed. “We had to wait an entire three minutes at check-in, and then a further 3 minutes and 37 seconds for the bellhop to deliver our luggage to the President’s Suite.”

“I had a bad feeling from the moment we arrived – and everything’s just gone from bad to worse. It’s been a fucking nightmare,” added Sir Neville.

“What’s more, the food is fucking awful!”

“For dinner, we were offered a choice of grain fed filet mignon with a blackberry and black truffle jus or wild alaskan salmon with beluga caviar and pomme frite. I only eat grass-fed Ayrshire beef from the Scottish Highlands so to be dished up this muck is a fucking insult..!”

“I’m not even going to discuss the Bordeaux!” spat Sir Neville.

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Guests complain the rooms are filthy and dishevelled

Self-funded retirees Joan and Lindsay Filthwhite of Condescension Manor, Toorak, agreed.

“From the moment we arrived it’s been an absolute nightmare. We’ve been stuck in this so-called five star Hilton hotel for two and half hours with limited access to the executive lounge, relaxation centre or rainforest spa. Room service is only available 24 hours and I’ve had to cancel my daily pedicure, manicure, chemical peel and colonic irrigation treatment.”

“We don’t have high expectations, but no one should have to endure this living hell.”

“We’re being treated like we’re asylum seekers but we haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just a horrible, horrible situation and I don’t know when it’s going to end,” sobbed Mrs Filthwhite.

If only they’d been au pairs things might’ve worked out differently.

The Gutter Trash Guide to Surviving the Looming Coronavirus Apocalypse!

March 2, 2020
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Outside The Gutter Trash Armageddonatorium

The Coronavirus is spreading like wildfire throwing global share markets into a downward spiral and shaking the very foundations of developed and emerging economies worldwide.

And this is only the beginning!

Fortunately, Australia’s Prime Minister, ‘Scotty from Marketing,’ has already declared that “everything is under control in Australia,” and somewhat optimistically that “Australia is leading the world” when it comes to the prevention of the spread of the virus.

In today’s state of crisis and chaos you could easily be forgiven for forgetting that it was little over a week ago that investors were popping the champagne corks as Australia’s ASX reached record highs!

Sadly, those days are long-gone as now it’s time to batten down the hatches and prepare for the apocalypse as the world teeters on the brink of destruction.

Doomsday ‘preppers’ in the US and elsewhere, long maligned and ridiculed for their bunkers and hoards of weapons and baked beans are now looking like the sensible ones, given the prognosis of the disease and its predicted progression.

However, now it’s time for the rest of us to play catch up, start preparing those bunkers, and stock up on essential items!

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Inside The Gutter Trash Armageddonatorium

Here at The Gutter Trash Armageddonatorium, we already have preparations well underway and have amassed a 5-year supply of essential items in our secret lair as a precaution for events just like this.

If you haven’t already done so, here is our list of ‘survival essentials,’ so that you too, can survive the impending apocalypse with style and finesse:

 

THE GUTTER TRASH GLOBAL ARMAGEDDON SURVIVAL KIT

1,750 cases of Penfolds Grange 2014

575 cases of Domaine Leflaive Batard Montrachet Chardonnay

250 cases of Alfred Gratien Cuvee Paradis Brut NV Champagne

125 bottles of Bombay Sapphire Dry Gin

225kg of French Bleu d’Auvergne blue cheese

75kg of Rouie Mille-Feuille of Duck Foie Gras with Truffles

50kg Brie de Meaux and Brie de Melun

50kg of snap frozen Bottarga Beluga Caviar

50 boxes of Hoyo de Monterrey Le Hoyo de Río Seco Cuban cigars

25kg of snap frozen Chinook salmon (Oncorhynchus tschawytscha)

3 crates of snap frozen fresh lemons

250 boxes each of Zanax, Ibuprofen, Panadeine, Berocca.

 

Have I missed anything…?

 

 

 

The Coronavirus: Is it going to Kill Us All?

February 25, 2020

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Without wishing to appear melodramatic, we’re all going to die.

That’s the consensus opinion from a myriad of underground experts who have uncovered secret reports from the Chinese Government that the so-called Coronavirus is in fact man made and spreading at an alarming rate so far as yet under-reported in mainstream media.

Apparently, the Chinese Government, renowned for their transparency and front-footed approach to handling crises just like this are keeping the true spread of the virus under wraps.

Anyone who watched the 4 Corners documentary on China’s attempts to contain the virus as it takes hold in the city of Wuhan in the Hubei province will be absolutely shitting themselves.

The share market certainly is.

With news that South Korea and Iran are the next hot spots, the big question is – where will it end and how?

 

 

Anthony Albanese meets Indonesian President Joko Widodo in ‘human moth’ costume!

February 10, 2020

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Leader of the Federal Labor Party Anthony Albanese has today met with Indonesia’s President Joko Widodo dressed as a ‘human moth.’

What led to this strange turn of events remains a mystery, although it appears that President Widodo himself has been taking lessons in posture from the Trump family, adopting their bizarre way of standing that just screams ‘awkward.’

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Was it the ‘moth’ costume that did it, or is this just symptomatic of contemporary politics?

The World’s Worst Wines!

January 24, 2020

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Much has been written about the distinctive qualities of fine wines and I for one, have often found the views of refined connoisseurs beneficial in experimenting with new wines I may have otherwise overlooked.

However, in these budget-conscious times, few of us can afford to indulge in wines that command a hefty price tag on a regular basis, particularly those amongst us who may be euphemistically considered “red-wine enthusiasts,” or perhaps more accurately; borderline (or not so borderline) alcoholics.

Being a fully paid up member of the club means I’m typically relegated to wines in the $15-$20 price bracket however even here, a convivial weekend of drinking can easily blow the budget. Venturing below the $12 threshold is not for the fainthearted so for the benefit of those who may find themselves in this unfortunate predicament here is a list of the Worst Wines in the World in no particular order.

These are the wines that even when desperation calls – like those times when you’re scrambling around the kitchen at two in the morning searching for a bottle of red – should be avoided at all costs.

Worst Wine in the World No. 10 

yellow tail shiraz

Yellow Tail Shiraz, Australia ($11.99)

This wine, like their others, comes from Casella Wines in South Eastern Australia, and according to the label, the Casella family has been inflicting their wines on the public for three generations.

However, these aren’t really “wines” in the traditional sense (think strawberry jam combined with paint thinner). The nicest thing I can say about this wine is the colour. It has a nice deep plum colour as it fills the glass.

The aroma however, is arresting upon first sniff. I picked up scents of stale locker room, unwashed laundry and a sort of damp mould.

Upon tasting Yellow Tail Shiraz, there is an immediate and harsh bitterness to the flavour.  It lacks any red or black fruits and evolves into a kind of burnt toast taste just prior to the alcohol-laden tannins mercifully blunting the palate.

While that may sound interesting, there is distinctive “chemical quality” to the aroma I didn’t like.  It’s very pronounced and overwhelming as you try to taste the wine. Not too dissimilar to liquid amonia which, like this wine, could kill you if ingested inadvertently.

It might go well at a casual barbeque with friends, should you find yourself in need of something to extinguish errant flames.

Worst Wine in the World No. 9 

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Lindemans Bin 45 Cabernet Sauvignon, Australia ($5.99)

I purchased this abomination at a suburban Vietnamese restaurant last month.  The whole bottle cost $16 at the restaurant!  This should have been a massive red flag as no decent bottle of red wine served at any restaurant worth its salt should cost less than $30.

The aroma is fairly powerful.  After pouring, I noticed it from a good six feet or so away from the glass. Up close you get more of an insipid raspberry aroma and a rather unpleasant overpowering sting of alcohol in the nose.  A fresh swirl of the wine in the glass seemed to release more “sting” making it both odious and undrinkable.

I took a sip and thought my tongue was going to fall off.  I tried washing down half a glass with a Corona chaser, but even that wouldn’t kill the taste.

The wine finishes long with a continuing bitterness and an aftertaste that’s difficult to describe let alone erase.  It’s an experience I don’t care to repeat. Needless to say, I didn’t like it.

Worst Wine in the World No. 8 

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Penfolds Rawson’s Retreat Shiraz Cabernet, Australia ($7.99)

The Penfolds brand is synonymous with quality. Except when it’s not, which is where Penfolds Rawson’s Retreat comes in.  The label looks innocent enough, with the distinctive Penfolds brand that adorns more palatable alternatives. However, looks can be deceiving. One can only assume Penfolds created this monstrosity as some kind of sick joke. By the appearance of the bottle, you’d even presume it was drinkable.  But it’s not. It’s fucking awful.

Worst Wine in the World No. 7

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Merlot (any Merlot, basically)

Merlot is the beige of the wine world, the sensible shoes or the unimaginative little black dress that goes with any occasion.

For this reason it’s often a safe bet for people who don’t actually like or drink wine. It’s deliberately intended to be innocuous and unassuming, but as such, suffers the fate as Pinot Grigio in that it’s both bland and tasteless.

Why it even exists is beyond me. Merlot should be banned. Or at the very least, shouldn’t be called “wine.”

It’s a watered-down, embarrassing, flavourless waste of time and consumption. It’s a missed opportunity to enjoy something better.  Like going to a steakhouse and ordering a salad.

Merlot drinkers don’t deserve any respect.  They’re amateurs.

Worst Wine in the World No. 6 

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Whispers Strawberry Spumante, Australia ($4.99)

Australians love a celebration and what better way to celebrate that special occasion with a few friends than to pop the cork on perfectly chilled bottle of Krug, Bollinger or Veuve Clicquot.

However things being as they are, the price tag of your typical classic French Champagne is often out of reach for the average Australian consumer. Recognising the opportunity to meet a particular segment of society at a price point they can afford, the people behind the ‘Whispers’ range of sparkling wines have come up with this muck they call “Strawberry Spumante”.

If the manufacturers of crystal methamphetamine ever decided to enter the liquor market with a product targeting teenage girls who either a) had a death wish, or b) just wanted to experience temporary oblivion with a sugary-sweet drink that tastes both medicinal and deadly at the same time, I imagine they’d come up with something like “Whispers Strawberry Spumante.”

Hints of strawberry cordial give way to notes of battery acid and nail varnish remover on the finish.

This stuff is so fucking bad, the last time I drank it (okay, lots of it) I woke up under a shrub in the front yard and spent the next 24 hours spewing up pink bile in the shower.

Worst Wine in the World No. 5 

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Vang Dalat Red, Vietnam

No review of the Worst Wines in the World would be complete without an honourable mention of Vang Dalat – the household table wine of Vietnam available in both “white” and “red” varietals.

Both the red and white wines are best served chilled, although the actual manufacturing process and the ingredients remain a mystery. According to the label, the red wine consists of “grape wine cut with fermented mulberry juice,” so essentially a fairly strong concoction of rotten fruit, which is exactly how it tastes, but worse.

The aroma can best be described as ‘volatile.’ I recoiled and nearly fell of my chair when I first took a sniff, but if you serve it extra cold, it can quell the odour to some extent.

When you taste it, it’s bitter — and also kind of tart. I wouldn’t go as far as to say acrid, but it’s something that’s difficult to describe let alone comprehend.

Looking at the colour, there are signs of degradation, which can happen when wine is stored at the wrong temperature. Given that it’s from Vietnam, it’s fair to say it’s probably been exposed to temperatures and humidity that would destroy even the most robust of reds.

Also being from Vietnam, this doesn’t stop anyone from selling it. It’s not horrible, it’s just peculiar. Like eating an oyster of questionable origin and then wondering whether you’ll survive to tell the tale.

Vang Dalat is best opened and consumed immediately, as the longer you leave it sitting there the worse it gets. Which isn’t really sensible let alone advisable, as you’ll probably just end up vomiting profusely. As I did, after gagging back a bottle on a train trip from Saigon to Hanoi.

Worst Wine in the World No. 4 

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Anything from the Gossips range, Australia ($3.99)

I’m not sure who’s behind the Gossips range of budget-priced wines but whoever they are they should be rounded up and shot and their vineyards burned to the ground.  This stuff is revolting!

Merlot, Chardonnay, Shiraz — it doesn’t matter.  They all taste uniformly horrible.  Some time ago, I made the gross miscalculation of purchasing something called the “Gossips’ Special Reserve,” which was priced at an outlandish $7.99 — double the cost of the standard Gossips red wine!

It was undrinkable.  That experience made me wonder — if the premium wine costs twice as much and yet tastes so awful, how bad must the cheaper stuff be?

Serve it to someone you hate.

Worst Wine in the World No. 3

Lindemans P

Lindemans Porphyry Blanc, Australia ($4.99)

It sounds like a chemistry experiment that’s gone horribly wrong, and oddly enough that’s exactly how it tastes, but nevertheless they decided to bottle it and sell it anyway.

Loosely classed as “wine” but more closely resembles some sort of cheap apple cider that’s been left out in the sun. When people talk about wine smelling like paint thinner, they’re probably talking about this one.

It tastes like Glen 20 disinfectant spray smells;  as if someone tried to fix a bad wine by Febreze-ing it.

A kind of cavity-inducing sweetness with no redeeming flavour, save for the metallic undertaste of mediocrity. Like sour peach gummies mixed with kitchen waste.

Basically, a migraine waiting to happen. Unsurprisingly I find it hard to recommend.

Worst Wine in the World No. 2

Blue Nun

Blue Nun Rivaner, Germany ($12.99)

Once considered one of Germany’s most successful exports, Blue Nun gained a huge following in the 1970’s and 1980’s when the aspirational working classes in the UK and far off antipodes figured it would perhaps be considered ‘more sophisticated’ if they consumed wine from something other than a goon bag.

While this idea was a good one, particularly when drinking with friends, why they settled on this sickly white wine from Germany is anyone’s guess. Maybe it was the wistful image of the Blue Nun on the label, gazing off into the distance seemingly longing for a forgotten time when Germany once produced better wines.

Most German wine is undrinkable. But this white wine is so bad it could almost be from Italy.  But even in Italy they know how to package their wine in raffia encased bottles so that when you invariably tip it down the sink after one or two glasses, you still have an attractive candle holder afterwards.

That’s clever marketing. Even if they are still selling poison.

Worst Wine in the World No. 1

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Mogen David Blackberry, USA  (3 Litre bottle $15.99)

Any wine that comes in a three litre flagon with a pop cap is an abomination and perhaps the worst culprit of all is this liquid atrocity called “Mogen David Blackberry.”

If you’ve ever thought about killing yourself but lacked the means, a bottle of Mogen David would probably be a good place to start.

I drank this wine alone, which admittedly was a mistake, but at least I didn’t put anyone else’s life at risk. I was contemplating suicide after just two glasses.

To be honest, I don’t know who the fuck “Mogen David” is, or even know if such a person exists, but one thing’s for sure –  he is to wine what Sammy J is to comedy. [Not funny].

It’s shit. In bulk.

Disclaimer: Our legal department suggested we add a disclaimer to say that some of the wines above may have been corked or suffered some other adversity that may have affected their taste beyond the winemaker’s control after it left their warehouse or distribution centre, so here it is.

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