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WE ARE NOT RACISTS! Says family descended from medieval selective breeding program.

March 12, 2021

We might be Nazis, but we are not racists, is the defence emanating from the House of Windsor as the fallout from the Harry and Meghan interview with Oprah Winfrey continues to shake the foundations of the monarchy.

The Duke of Edinburgh, already dead by all accounts, is ‘recuperating’ in hospital while the remaining monarchs are left to pretend his track record of racist off-the-cuff remarks about ‘people of colour’ somehow didn’t occur – are left floundering wondering how on earth they’re going to respond to this latest crisis.

It’s not so much that they don’t like black people or Asians, it’s just that those of pure Germanic origin tend to be more photogenic and accustomed to dressing up in fancy uniforms with or without military paraphernalia. It’s all very high-camp, but obviously not in a gay way (in case there’s any misunderstanding about that). Just ask Prince Edward.

No, the monarchy is performing just as it should. Reminding us that aside from the occasional ‘indiscretion’ (Charles and Camilla, Diana and Dodi Fayed, Fergie and the toe-sucker, Prince Andrew and anything in a skirt), they are upstanding citizens of the highest order, well-deserving of their lives of extravagant taxpayer-funded wealth and privilege for generations to come.

Besides, those ribbons aren’t going to cut themselves.   

Everything you need to know about the Australian Govt’s battle with Facebook!

February 19, 2021

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT’S BATTLE WITH FACEBOOK is showing no signs of abating with Federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg slamming the social media giant as a “bully” for not acquiescing to the Federal Government’s demands that it pay to give Rupert Murdoch’s media conglomerate free publicity in the form of hyperlink’s to the Sun Herald and Daily Telegraph trashy rags on Facebook news feeds.

Oddly enough, Facebook didn’t consider this free publicity for News Corp to be critical to its business operations or essential to its future viability.

Somewhat bizarrely, Josh Frydenberg expected Facebook to capitulate to the Government’s demands for reasons that are best known to Mr Frydenberg and remain a mystery to the rest of us.

For those who need to catch up, our understanding is that the conversation between the Treasurer and Marke Zuckerberg from Facebook went something like this…

Oz Govt: “Facebook, we don’t like the free publicity you give to our mate Rupert Murdoch’s newspapers with all your free links to his websites”

FB: “Oh ok.”

Oz Govt: “In fact we think you outta pay for that – even tho you’re giving our mate free publicity.”

FB: “We don’t think we really need to pay.”

Oz Govt: “Well we think you do, and we’re gonna make a new law so that you’ll have to.”

FB: “Uh, ok, we’ll just stop doing it then.”

OZ Govt: “Yeah sure, we dare ya…!”

FB: “Uh ok, then.”

OZ Govt: “Hey, what’s going on, all that free publicity to our mate Rupert’s newspapers has just vanished overnight…! WTAF is going on….??!!”

FB: “Um, we decided to stop doing it.”

OZ Govt: “What..??!! You guys can’t do that…!! Why are you bullying us…??!! You’re destroying free speech in Australia… WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU…!!

FB: “….”

OZ Govt: “Facebook is the enemy of the people. They hate our way of life and want to destroy our freedoms….!!

FB: “….”

How did it go so Horribly Wrong for QAnon?

January 21, 2021

Disappointment and confusion has descended upon the members of QAnon, the peculiar movement that’s convinced a cabal of Satan-worshipping Democrats, celebrities and billionaires are secretly running the world while overseeing a global pedophilic human-trafficking scheme.

QAnon supporters were convinced that the inauguration of Joe Biden as President of the United States would trigger a kind of “doomsday event” that would culminate with the arrest of senior Democrats and see Donald Trump reinstalled as President for a second term.

But the doomsday scenario didn’t transpire.  

Trump, now a former one-term, twice-impeached president is in Florida, and President Joe Biden is in the Whitehouse.

Screenshots of bewildered and disillusioned QAnon supporters spread across social media with one believer posting a comment titled “Anyone else feeling beyond let down now?” with a description that said:

“It’s like being a kid and seeing the big gift under the tree thinking it is exactly what you want only to open it and realize it was a lump of coal the whole time.”

Others said they felt “sick,” and “sad and confused” as the inauguration of President Biden went off without a hitch.

 Some QAnon supporters attempted to ‘recalibrate’ their doomsday theory suggesting that the installation of Biden as President is in fact, part of Trump’s carefully orchestrated plan to take down the global cabal of pedophilic Satan’s worshippers.

“The more I think about it, I do think it’s very possible that Biden will be the one who pulls the trigger,” said one.

Trump impeached again!

January 14, 2021

It’s a sad day for Donald Trump and his army of sycophants, suckholes and the conga line of supporters who hang on his every word (and invent a few of their own in their parallel-universe of undying loyalty) as a record number of Republicans vote with the Democrats to impeach the President for a second time.

The Democratic majority was joined by 10 Republicans, making the House’s move bipartisan – unlike Trump’s first impeachment less than 13 months ago.

The 10 votes make the impeachment the most bipartisan ever, another historical marker which also creates a deep split in the Republican party which is unlikely to end with Trump’s departure.

The vote ended with Nancy Pelosi, the House Speaker, in the chair, declaring the count of 232 to 197 – but with silence from the Democrats and handful of Republicans still present. Pelosi had warned her members not to celebrate the outcome.

It ended a day of debate in which Pelosi had called Trump a ‘clear and present danger,’ as Democrats said they were standing in a ‘crime scene’ and demanded that Trump pay a price for a campaign of ‘lies and conspiracy theories’ which had fomented violence.  

Apparently Trump’s ‘people’ say he will be issuing a statement soon, but it’s kinda made all the more sweet knowing that he can’t jump onto Twitter to vent his anger.

My Advice for Christmas You’re Welcome

December 25, 2020

Scott Morrison has trashed Australia’s trade relationship with China

December 15, 2020

The Scott Morrison government has, in the space of just a few months, singlehandedly destroyed Australia’s trade relationship with China after a series of massive political bungles have come home to roost in the form of China banning Australian lobster, beef, cotton, timber, barley and now coal.

The Morrison govt, hardly renowned for its appreciation of the nuances of Asian culture is widely regarded by China as ‘deputy sheriff’ to the US following Scott Morrison’s demands for an investigation into the spread of coronavirus earlier this year.

As much as it may rile Trade Minister Simon Birmingham, Foreign Minister Marise Payne and Scott Morrison, the reality is that their actions have prompted the current standoff.

A mere three weeks ago, Scott Morrison wasted no time in demanding an apology from China after a government official uploaded a photoshopped image on Twitter taking aim at Australian soldiers.

The doctored image depicted an Australian solider holding a bloodied knife to the neck of an Afghan child, with a caption that read, “Don’t be afraid, we are coming to bring you peace!”

Morrison scrambled together a hastily organised four-flag-alert press conference to vent his anger over the ‘tweet’ spitting, “It is utterly outrageous and cannot be justified on any basis whatsoever. The Chinese Government should be totally ashamed of this post.”

Oddly enough, said apology didn’t eventuate.

Even someone with a rudimentary understanding of Asian culture would appreciate that megaphone diplomacy seldom works, never mind the most senior elected office-holder in the land with access to a team of foreign affairs diplomats and advisers.

Morrison’s angry outburst, and the fact that China won’t even answer calls from Marise Payne or Simon Birmingham simply confirms that the Morrison government is completely out of its depth and ill-equipped to navigate an effective way forward.

They’ve totally fucked the country’s relationship with one of our most important trading partners as a direct result of their ignorance, arrogance and incompetence, and this time they have no one else to blame.

“No rights for those on Welfare” says Pauline Hanson

December 10, 2020

Ex-convict and former Dancing With The Stars contestant Pauline Hanson has told parliament that the Government’s so-called “cash card” for poor people is ‘not about talking about a person’s rights’, because welfare recipients ‘have already lost them’.

‘What the government’s cash card is about ensuring this money is spent on food, clothing, essentials that they need; that their rent is paid,’ she said.

‘When you go on this card you basically lose your rights. When you go on the welfare system you’ve lost your rights.’

This may come as a surprise to her many elderly supporters who rely on the Age Pension to fund their white bread lifestyles.

Hanson, who apparently is in the midst of a self-imposed ban on buying anything made in China, chose to commemorate the occasion wearing a bizarre outfit she evidently whipped up at home on the Pfaff using leftover scraps from her “Stasi” uniform and a clown costume.

Weekend Gab Fest!

November 13, 2020

Hello!

There’s so much going on in the world, it’s hard to know where to start or which way to look.

But in whichever direction you turn there’s madness and chaos!

Aside from record (and rapidly escalating) Covid deaths in the US, and the plague spreading unchecked across Europe and the UK, and multiple allegations of sexual impropriety amongst some of Australia’s most senior government MPs, and a US President who refuses to accept electoral defeat, the biggest tragedy of all is unfolding in Queensland where Sizzler has served its last “Fried Cheese Toast.”

Popular amongst bogans and feral families, the budget style ‘buffet behemoth’ has announced it is closing its doors for good this month, citing ‘changing consumer behaviour’ for its demise.

The fact that no one wants to eat mass produced shit any more must have been quite a revelation, but it would be wrong to dismiss this as the only reason the once formidable chain has joined the ranks of Red Rooster and Oporto.

Paying thirty bucks for a piece of tanned leather masquerading as a steak served with a smattering of frozen vegetables and congealed muck purporting to be gravy is a veritable smack in the head, when you can enjoy a premium piece of perfectly grilled beef for a few dollars more at a reputable establishment without the indignity of hordes of screaming kids running riot somehow typifying the ‘ambience’.

Not that I was ever a patron, so my loss will be barely felt, however my thoughts are with TB at this difficult time.

Apparently, as a final insult, Sizzler have revealed the recipe for their “Cheese Toast.”

Happy days.

US ELECTION: ‘APOCALYPSE NOW’ EDITION

November 2, 2020

THINGS ARE GOING SWIMMINGLY WELL over at the land of the free with the US election considered too close to call despite polls showing Biden in a comfortable lead.

We all know what happened last time, so literally no one is prepared to predict the outcome of the absolute shit show that’s currently underway. Most pundits are saying the final result may not be known for weeks as many voters opt to mail in their ballots rather than face an 8-hour wait to cast their vote in person.

To suggest that the US is a tinderbox waiting to go off at the slightest hint of a Trump dummy spit or worse – a call to his rightwing fan base (armed militia) to take to the streets to defend ‘democracy’ (ie his autocracy) hardly seems controversial in the current environment, but here we find ourselves.

It’s conduct befitting a tinpot dictator in some impoverished nation, which the US arguably is becoming. Despite holding the mantle as the strongest economy on the planet, the growing divide between the “haves” and “have nots” continues to grow.

Trump knows how to pander to his base; those on the bottom rung of society who feel that the system is against them. All Trump offers is bitterness, resentment and anger, and they lap it up. because that’s exactly how they feel.

But aside from that, it’s all showmanship. There’s nothing else there. For those outside looking in, it’s quite a bizarre circus. To see one of the world’s once proudest democracies descend into destruction, division and chaos is quite something.

What do you think will happen?

AFL Grand Final Footy Preview!

October 22, 2020

It’s that time of the year again, where Tom of Melbourne reveals his thoughts and predictions for this year’s AFL Grand Final….

Well done to Queensland!

They have already appropriated:

* Melbourne’s biggest bogans

* the fattest pensioners 

* the shadiest businessmen

* our most surgically enhanced blondes

And now they have the Grand Final!  


But there will be challenges for the locals who attend the game. The most common questions and comments of spectators- 

* can he do that?

* wasn’t that a knock on?

* those guys look too athletic to play football and they have necks!

* why didn’t the coach finish each sentence with “but”?

It has been a great season for genuine football lovers, with Adelaide finishing last.

I’m tipping that they’ll go back to back! That will cheer up people in the civilised parts of the country, ie Victoria. And we definitely need more cheering up.

It’s a long weekend, and Bunnings are certainly tuned into the level of leisure and activity available here. 

They are advertising a vegetable garden to “plant and watch grow”. That’s about as much action as we can legally get away with at the moment.

I can’t wait for the next lockdown project from Bunnings – paint something and watch it dry.

I’m tipping Richmond to win the game, because Dusty has lots of tats and a Gold Coast tan. And I’m trying to decide whether to watch the game or watch my Bunnings vegetables grow.

So many exciting choices in lockdown! 

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