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Trump impeached again!

January 14, 2021

It’s a sad day for Donald Trump and his army of sycophants, suckholes and the conga line of supporters who hang on his every word (and invent a few of their own in their parallel-universe of undying loyalty) as a record number of Republicans vote with the Democrats to impeach the President for a second time.

The Democratic majority was joined by 10 Republicans, making the House’s move bipartisan – unlike Trump’s first impeachment less than 13 months ago.

The 10 votes make the impeachment the most bipartisan ever, another historical marker which also creates a deep split in the Republican party which is unlikely to end with Trump’s departure.

The vote ended with Nancy Pelosi, the House Speaker, in the chair, declaring the count of 232 to 197 – but with silence from the Democrats and handful of Republicans still present. Pelosi had warned her members not to celebrate the outcome.

It ended a day of debate in which Pelosi had called Trump a ‘clear and present danger,’ as Democrats said they were standing in a ‘crime scene’ and demanded that Trump pay a price for a campaign of ‘lies and conspiracy theories’ which had fomented violence.  

Apparently Trump’s ‘people’ say he will be issuing a statement soon, but it’s kinda made all the more sweet knowing that he can’t jump onto Twitter to vent his anger.

My Advice for Christmas You’re Welcome

December 25, 2020

Scott Morrison has trashed Australia’s trade relationship with China

December 15, 2020

The Scott Morrison government has, in the space of just a few months, singlehandedly destroyed Australia’s trade relationship with China after a series of massive political bungles have come home to roost in the form of China banning Australian lobster, beef, cotton, timber, barley and now coal.

The Morrison govt, hardly renowned for its appreciation of the nuances of Asian culture is widely regarded by China as ‘deputy sheriff’ to the US following Scott Morrison’s demands for an investigation into the spread of coronavirus earlier this year.

As much as it may rile Trade Minister Simon Birmingham, Foreign Minister Marise Payne and Scott Morrison, the reality is that their actions have prompted the current standoff.

A mere three weeks ago, Scott Morrison wasted no time in demanding an apology from China after a government official uploaded a photoshopped image on Twitter taking aim at Australian soldiers.

The doctored image depicted an Australian solider holding a bloodied knife to the neck of an Afghan child, with a caption that read, “Don’t be afraid, we are coming to bring you peace!”

Morrison scrambled together a hastily organised four-flag-alert press conference to vent his anger over the ‘tweet’ spitting, “It is utterly outrageous and cannot be justified on any basis whatsoever. The Chinese Government should be totally ashamed of this post.”

Oddly enough, said apology didn’t eventuate.

Even someone with a rudimentary understanding of Asian culture would appreciate that megaphone diplomacy seldom works, never mind the most senior elected office-holder in the land with access to a team of foreign affairs diplomats and advisers.

Morrison’s angry outburst, and the fact that China won’t even answer calls from Marise Payne or Simon Birmingham simply confirms that the Morrison government is completely out of its depth and ill-equipped to navigate an effective way forward.

They’ve totally fucked the country’s relationship with one of our most important trading partners as a direct result of their ignorance, arrogance and incompetence, and this time they have no one else to blame.

“No rights for those on Welfare” says Pauline Hanson

December 10, 2020

Ex-convict and former Dancing With The Stars contestant Pauline Hanson has told parliament that the Government’s so-called “cash card” for poor people is ‘not about talking about a person’s rights’, because welfare recipients ‘have already lost them’.

‘What the government’s cash card is about ensuring this money is spent on food, clothing, essentials that they need; that their rent is paid,’ she said.

‘When you go on this card you basically lose your rights. When you go on the welfare system you’ve lost your rights.’

This may come as a surprise to her many elderly supporters who rely on the Age Pension to fund their white bread lifestyles.

Hanson, who apparently is in the midst of a self-imposed ban on buying anything made in China, chose to commemorate the occasion wearing a bizarre outfit she evidently whipped up at home on the Pfaff using leftover scraps from her “Stasi” uniform and a clown costume.

Weekend Gab Fest!

November 13, 2020


There’s so much going on in the world, it’s hard to know where to start or which way to look.

But in whichever direction you turn there’s madness and chaos!

Aside from record (and rapidly escalating) Covid deaths in the US, and the plague spreading unchecked across Europe and the UK, and multiple allegations of sexual impropriety amongst some of Australia’s most senior government MPs, and a US President who refuses to accept electoral defeat, the biggest tragedy of all is unfolding in Queensland where Sizzler has served its last “Fried Cheese Toast.”

Popular amongst bogans and feral families, the budget style ‘buffet behemoth’ has announced it is closing its doors for good this month, citing ‘changing consumer behaviour’ for its demise.

The fact that no one wants to eat mass produced shit any more must have been quite a revelation, but it would be wrong to dismiss this as the only reason the once formidable chain has joined the ranks of Red Rooster and Oporto.

Paying thirty bucks for a piece of tanned leather masquerading as a steak served with a smattering of frozen vegetables and congealed muck purporting to be gravy is a veritable smack in the head, when you can enjoy a premium piece of perfectly grilled beef for a few dollars more at a reputable establishment without the indignity of hordes of screaming kids running riot somehow typifying the ‘ambience’.

Not that I was ever a patron, so my loss will be barely felt, however my thoughts are with TB at this difficult time.

Apparently, as a final insult, Sizzler have revealed the recipe for their “Cheese Toast.”

Happy days.


November 2, 2020

THINGS ARE GOING SWIMMINGLY WELL over at the land of the free with the US election considered too close to call despite polls showing Biden in a comfortable lead.

We all know what happened last time, so literally no one is prepared to predict the outcome of the absolute shit show that’s currently underway. Most pundits are saying the final result may not be known for weeks as many voters opt to mail in their ballots rather than face an 8-hour wait to cast their vote in person.

To suggest that the US is a tinderbox waiting to go off at the slightest hint of a Trump dummy spit or worse – a call to his rightwing fan base (armed militia) to take to the streets to defend ‘democracy’ (ie his autocracy) hardly seems controversial in the current environment, but here we find ourselves.

It’s conduct befitting a tinpot dictator in some impoverished nation, which the US arguably is becoming. Despite holding the mantle as the strongest economy on the planet, the growing divide between the “haves” and “have nots” continues to grow.

Trump knows how to pander to his base; those on the bottom rung of society who feel that the system is against them. All Trump offers is bitterness, resentment and anger, and they lap it up. because that’s exactly how they feel.

But aside from that, it’s all showmanship. There’s nothing else there. For those outside looking in, it’s quite a bizarre circus. To see one of the world’s once proudest democracies descend into destruction, division and chaos is quite something.

What do you think will happen?

AFL Grand Final Footy Preview!

October 22, 2020

It’s that time of the year again, where Tom of Melbourne reveals his thoughts and predictions for this year’s AFL Grand Final….

Well done to Queensland!

They have already appropriated:

* Melbourne’s biggest bogans

* the fattest pensioners 

* the shadiest businessmen

* our most surgically enhanced blondes

And now they have the Grand Final!  

But there will be challenges for the locals who attend the game. The most common questions and comments of spectators- 

* can he do that?

* wasn’t that a knock on?

* those guys look too athletic to play football and they have necks!

* why didn’t the coach finish each sentence with “but”?

It has been a great season for genuine football lovers, with Adelaide finishing last.

I’m tipping that they’ll go back to back! That will cheer up people in the civilised parts of the country, ie Victoria. And we definitely need more cheering up.

It’s a long weekend, and Bunnings are certainly tuned into the level of leisure and activity available here. 

They are advertising a vegetable garden to “plant and watch grow”. That’s about as much action as we can legally get away with at the moment.

I can’t wait for the next lockdown project from Bunnings – paint something and watch it dry.

I’m tipping Richmond to win the game, because Dusty has lots of tats and a Gold Coast tan. And I’m trying to decide whether to watch the game or watch my Bunnings vegetables grow.

So many exciting choices in lockdown! 

Gladys Berejiklian: The Tractor. The iPad. The Cover Up!

October 14, 2020

GLADYS BEREJIKLIAN’S political career is almost certainly over as the sordid details of her love-struck relationship with dodgy and now disgraced former MP Daryl Maguire become clearer (or murkier) by the day.

Her former flame is fronting the Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC) to answer questions about whether his behaviour while in parliament could be considered corrupt.

Berejiklian claims she has “tried to be as frank as possible” about her relationship with Daryl Maguire, while not being frank at all.  Although entitled to some degree of privacy in theory, she’s desperately clinging to semantics for her political survival.

It’s already been revealed that she met with two publicans with criminal records at the behest of Maguire, while Maguire himself suffered an unfortunate mishap where his iPhone and iPad were destroyed in a freak tractor incident – destroying potentially incriminating evidence.

To be fair it’s happened to us all at some point. Tractor. iPad. iPhone. Just an accident waiting to happen, really…

Trump gets the Chinah Virus!

October 2, 2020

THE FINAL SEASON OF AMERICA has taken a remarkable plot twist with the President of the United States (played by colourful reality TV personality Donald Trump) and the late King of Pop Michael Jackson as his hilarious wife #FLOTUS succumbing to the much maligned “Chinah Virus.”

For those following along at home, Australia’s Chinah Virus expert Dr Norman Swan says that at the Donald Trump’s age of 74, the mortality rate is 5-12%.

But, he says, that obesity (the president is just over the line as obese in his last medical check) increases the risk by an extra 40%, increasing the risk of death to between about 7-18%.

Some of us were hoping for something a little higher.

Trump’s personal physician says that the president and first lady will “remain at home within the White House during their convalescence”.

Trump’s Physician Harold Bornstein

How long this convalescence lasts will depend on how ill the pair get. Even if Trump tests negative within the next 14 days, he will almost certainly be unable to attend rallies in three key states – Wisconsin, Florida and Arizona – as well as the next presidential debate, which is scheduled for 15 October.

Which is all really sad.

Weekend Gab Fest: Strange but True!

September 25, 2020

Hello and good afternoon.

So how about we try something completely different. I’ve read a couple of bizarre stories this week, one of which I’ve forgotten before I’ve had the opportunity to share with youse, the other is this story about how this guy dropped dead from a liquorice overdose.

There are many ways to die, especially in Australia where we have more than our fair share of deadly creatures, but I think this has to be the first time I’ve heard of someone dying from liquorice. And what made this particular story all the more interesting is that he had recently made the switch from those raspberry twirl sticks to the black variety, and I thought “I used to eat those!” Which is perhaps a lesson to all of us that you shouldn’t change a routine.

So let’s see if you have any other ‘strange but true’ type stories from the last week or so, and more-so see if we can keep it politics free..!

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