Skip to content

The Govt’s Homebuilder scheme is a crock of shit. Here’s why.

June 5, 2020

Screen Shot 2020-06-05 at 11.31.54 am

The Govt’s Homebuilder scheme is a crock of shit. Here’s why:

To qualify for the government’s “homebuilder” grant of $25,000 you must be either  earning $125,000 or less (before tax) or $200k for families.

Grants must be spent to:

  • Build a new home as a principal place of residence valued at up to $750,000 (including land); or
  • Substantially renovate an existing home as a principal place of residence, with renovations valued at between $150,000 and $750,000 and the dwelling not valued at more than $1.5m before the renovation.

By way of context, a single person earning $125,000 is in the top income decile, meaning they earn more than 90% of other Australians.

Even the cheapest renovation eligible for the scheme ($150,000) would require a grant recipient to spend at least $125,000 of their own money – meaning the scheme is most likely to be accessed by those with substantial savings or a willingness to borrow.

Only the LNP could have dreamt up a scheme in a global recession which involves giving people with access to over $150,000 in cash and additional cash handout of $25,000 funded by the taxpayer.

Scott Morrison is calling this a “trade led” recovery, because, let’s face it, builder, developers and tradies have been struggling to get by on sub-optimal incomes for generations (sarcasm alert).

When your ‘friends’ at The Australian aren’t even buying it, you know it stinks!

“Forcing taxpayers to renovate other people’s homes to aid some tradie, who probably earns more than the average taxpayer, is economic and political stupidity”

~ Adam Creighton 

Goodbye Alan Jones: You Fucking Toad

May 29, 2020
mark-latham-alan-jones-cookbook-credit-twitter-685x368
Alan Jones dressed as a ‘Golden Gaytime’ enjoys a cuppa with resident nutter Mark Latham

 

COLOURFUL radio personality, Alan Jones has finally been booted from radio 2GB after decades of spewing filth and vitriol to his tiny audience of disgruntled racists and poncy twats.

Jones, just shy of turning 80, called it a day this morning dedicating his final show to his “loyal, supportive and sometimes critical” listeners.

“My listeners have been wonderful,” he said.

“The program is nothing more really than a great big family.”

alan jones

His so-called “radio career” was often mired in controversy such as the Cash for Comment affair where he and fellow broadcaster John Laws accepted personal payments from companies for unscripted promotion of their products on air.

In 2012 he was forced to issue a grovelling apology for saying then Labor PM Julia Gillard’s father John had ‘died of shame’ at a Young Liberals function.

He then called for Australia’s first female PM to be ‘put in a chaff bag’ and thrown out sea.

Just last year he called for Prime Minister Scott Morrison to ‘shove a sock down the throat’ of New Zealand leader Jacinda Ardern, after she criticised Australia’s stance on climate change.

Those comments saw a mass exodus of advertisers, some of them never returning. More than 500 advertisers pulled their money out of 2GB and our sources say the program lost half its revenue.

With Jones on a $4m salary he quickly became a liability, despite his ratings popularity amongst the pearl necklace and pursed lips set.

It was nice of 2GB’s owners Nine Radio to afford the old codger the opportunity to resign (dis)gracefully.

 

Jukebox Jury!

May 21, 2020

DuranDuran--e1472249676112

In a refreshing change, here’s a post that has nothing to do with politics – Musics!

And the theme is “underrated tracks from the 80’s.”

The only ‘rule’ is that you have to introduce your track and why you’re posting it.

 

Knock yourself out.

 

 

“It was a sad story and not of much interest to me.”

May 7, 2020

Screen Shot 2020-05-07 at 1.38.17 pm

 

 

Fighting COVID-19 with Melania Trump

April 19, 2020

She’s long been derided as “fucken’ useless” but it appears that Whitehouse officials have found a way to put America’s ‘First Lady’ to good use with a series of public health announcements starring none other than Melania Trump herself.

While she may seem like a frosty bitch to those who don’t know her, Melania’s friend and colleague are quick to point out that underneath that cold-hearted, deadpan exterior is a fun-loving quick-witted raconteur that thrives on intellectual stimulation and solving the world’s most pressing problems.

Passionate and charismatic, Melania implores citizens of the world (ie the USA) to practice social distancing and wear a mask in public.  This hadn’t occurred to anyone before, and could be just the ticket to save millions of lives.

Thank you Mrs Trump…!

Although I think Marg Downey did it better, tbh…

 

Hotel Hell: Quarantined Aussies say they’re being “treated like asylum seekers!”

April 1, 2020
hotel

“A complete and utter dump”

DESPERATE AUSTRALIANS fleeing the peril of those floating petri dishes of hell like the Ruby Princess are now finding themselves thrust face-first into 14 days of mandatory quarantine at some of Australia’s finest 5 star hotels.

However, the picture is far from rosy, with many of these new-found “guests” reporting prison-like conditions, disgusting food, and staff who treat them “like criminals.”

“It’s a living hellhole,” said Felicity Purdue-Smythe, 62 of Mosman, NSW.

“We had just arrived back from our annual skiing trip in Aspen to suffer the indignity of being transported in ‘a bus’ to the Intercontinental Hotel at Circular Quay, only to find that our regular suite had been allocated to other travellers.”

“It’s a disgrace. I’ve never felt so humiliated in all my life, said Felicity”

breakfast

“The food is fucking awful” is a regular complaint

Her husband, retired General Sir Neville Codswallop, 86, agreed. “We had to wait an entire three minutes at check-in, and then a further 3 minutes and 37 seconds for the bellhop to deliver our luggage to the President’s Suite.”

“I had a bad feeling from the moment we arrived – and everything’s just gone from bad to worse. It’s been a fucking nightmare,” added Sir Neville.

“What’s more, the food is fucking awful!”

“For dinner, we were offered a choice of grain fed filet mignon with a blackberry and black truffle jus or wild alaskan salmon with beluga caviar and pomme frite. I only eat grass-fed Ayrshire beef from the Scottish Highlands so to be dished up this muck is a fucking insult..!”

“I’m not even going to discuss the Bordeaux!” spat Sir Neville.

bedroom

Guests complain the rooms are filthy and dishevelled

Self-funded retirees Joan and Lindsay Filthwhite of Condescension Manor, Toorak, agreed.

“From the moment we arrived it’s been an absolute nightmare. We’ve been stuck in this so-called five star Hilton hotel for two and half hours with limited access to the executive lounge, relaxation centre or rainforest spa. Room service is only available 24 hours and I’ve had to cancel my daily pedicure, manicure, chemical peel and colonic irrigation treatment.”

“We don’t have high expectations, but no one should have to endure this living hell.”

“We’re being treated like we’re asylum seekers but we haven’t done anything wrong. It’s just a horrible, horrible situation and I don’t know when it’s going to end,” sobbed Mrs Filthwhite.

If only they’d been au pairs things might’ve worked out differently.

The Gutter Trash Guide to Surviving the Looming Coronavirus Apocalypse!

March 2, 2020
Capture3

Outside The Gutter Trash Armageddonatorium

The Coronavirus is spreading like wildfire throwing global share markets into a downward spiral and shaking the very foundations of developed and emerging economies worldwide.

And this is only the beginning!

Fortunately, Australia’s Prime Minister, ‘Scotty from Marketing,’ has already declared that “everything is under control in Australia,” and somewhat optimistically that “Australia is leading the world” when it comes to the prevention of the spread of the virus.

In today’s state of crisis and chaos you could easily be forgiven for forgetting that it was little over a week ago that investors were popping the champagne corks as Australia’s ASX reached record highs!

Sadly, those days are long-gone as now it’s time to batten down the hatches and prepare for the apocalypse as the world teeters on the brink of destruction.

Doomsday ‘preppers’ in the US and elsewhere, long maligned and ridiculed for their bunkers and hoards of weapons and baked beans are now looking like the sensible ones, given the prognosis of the disease and its predicted progression.

However, now it’s time for the rest of us to play catch up, start preparing those bunkers, and stock up on essential items!

Capture

Inside The Gutter Trash Armageddonatorium

Here at The Gutter Trash Armageddonatorium, we already have preparations well underway and have amassed a 5-year supply of essential items in our secret lair as a precaution for events just like this.

If you haven’t already done so, here is our list of ‘survival essentials,’ so that you too, can survive the impending apocalypse with style and finesse:

 

THE GUTTER TRASH GLOBAL ARMAGEDDON SURVIVAL KIT

1,750 cases of Penfolds Grange 2014

575 cases of Domaine Leflaive Batard Montrachet Chardonnay

250 cases of Alfred Gratien Cuvee Paradis Brut NV Champagne

125 bottles of Bombay Sapphire Dry Gin

225kg of French Bleu d’Auvergne blue cheese

75kg of Rouie Mille-Feuille of Duck Foie Gras with Truffles

50kg Brie de Meaux and Brie de Melun

50kg of snap frozen Bottarga Beluga Caviar

50 boxes of Hoyo de Monterrey Le Hoyo de Río Seco Cuban cigars

25kg of snap frozen Chinook salmon (Oncorhynchus tschawytscha)

3 crates of snap frozen fresh lemons

250 boxes each of Zanax, Ibuprofen, Panadeine, Berocca.

 

Have I missed anything…?

 

 

 

%d bloggers like this: