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And They’re Off – The Federal Election Year Racing Carnival!

January 24, 2013

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With thanks to the ABC and BetFair, The Daily Trash is pleased to bring you a live LIVE broadcast of this year’s special Australia Day election-deciding racing cup challenge…

And now it’s over to our special guest announcers Antony Green and Kerry O’Brien.

KERRY:

Well it’s a great day to be here at Thoroughbred Park in Canberra and the atmosphere is almost electric isn’t it Antony.

ANT:

Yes it certainly is Kerry, the excitement is building as today, we find out who will be crowned the next Prime Minister of Australia and what a race it promises to be.

There’s already been a noticeable absence of any new talent this year Kerry which is always a sign of trouble, as well as plenty of long-time stayers, some of which should’ve been put out to pasture years ago Kerry, and that may well turn out to be their fate after today.

KERRY:

It really makes you wonder how some of them can still carry on doesn’t it Anthony.

I mean look at Bronwyn Bishop, does she really have anything left to offer…?

ANT:

Well the punters certainly don’t seem to thing so Kerry, and with odds at 500 to one, she may as well stay home and take up flower arranging.

KERRY:

And what about Philip Ruddock..?

ANT:

Oh Ruddock’s been under a cloud for some time Kerry.

The bookies I’ve talked to don’t even know if he’s alive or dead.

He’s a real mystery performer.

While Kevin Andrews on the other hand, is a late scratching.

Joe Hockey is a real outsider but despite his formidable size, you can’t dampen his enthusiasm.

KERRY:

Well it looks like we’re almost ready, Julie Bishop is being ushered into the stalls.

They’re under starter’s orders….and …

They’re off…!!!

Kevin Rudd is off to a flying start and is already way out in front….

Malcolm Turnbull’s off to an elegant romp and gathering pace in second place…

Christopher Pyne’s coming up the rear…

The “Serena Williams” of the race, Julia Gillard is slowly underway…

ANT:

That’s one hell of an arse isn’t it Kerry…

KERRY:

“Asylum Seeker Paradise” is gathering pace – Scott Morrison’s got a lot riding on that one….

Tony Abbott’s just clear of Christopher Pyne and making ground on Malcolm Turnbull…

Andrew Wilkie is still struggling to clear the starting gates, and it looks like Rob Oakshott’s dropped out altogether…!

Joe Hockey is trailing the field and looks like he’s really struggling….

But wait, what’s this…

Julia Gillard’s just issued a press release about national security and is going for the “we will keep this country safe” vote…

The crowd seem to be responding well…

Not to be outdone, Scott Morrison’s shouting something about diseased asylum seekers killing our children..

Hockey’s still trailing behind, muttering something about unemployment to anyone who’ll listen, but he doesn’t seem to be gathering much traction, so no surprises there..

Kevin Rudd’s now way out in front throwing iPads into the crowd…

The crowd love him..

He’s always been a popular favourite.  And there’s his wife and kids waving in the crowd…!

This is still anyone’s race Antony…!

ANT:

It certainly is Kerry.   But so far no one’s mentioned the economy.

KERRY:

Yes, that’s certainly surprising.

The Greens are nowhere to be seen… Were they even in this race?

Tony Abbott’s just cleared Malcolm Turnbull and is closing in on Julia Gillard.

Christopher Pyne is still coming up the rear…

Christopher Pyne’s screaming something about a point of order, but the judges don’t seem to care…

Gillard’s going for the Aboriginal vote now Antony, and has just dropped one off at the 100 yard mark singing Gurrumul.

ANT:

That was a masterstroke Kerry.

Tony Abbott’s steadily gaining ground on Gillard with something about abortion and asylum seekers.  He’s still got a few cards up his sleeve yet Kerry.

KERRY:

He certainly has Antony.

No one expected another baby bonus and that paid parental leave scheme just seemed to come out of nowhere.

What’s this?  Kevin Rudd is trying to recover lost ground with a press release on climate change, but the punters aren’t buying it…

It seems he’s already over-played his hand there Antony.

ANT:

That wouldn’t be the first time Kerry.

KERRY:

And as we approach the finish line it’s Julia Gillard and Tony Abbott neck and neck..

Gillard’s trying to maintain the pace with something about education and her tragic life but we’ve heard all those sob stories before and the crowd isn’t buying it…

Abbott’s galloping up behind yelling something about how his sister’s a dyke…

Penny Wong lets out a cheer from the crowd then settles back as she realises she’s barracking for the wrong side.

“Tim’s a hairdresser” cries Gillard clearly going for the poofter vote, but it all seems like too little too late and the crowd are not responding well.

This could be a photo finish.

It could be down to one last press release Antony…

Abbott’s clearly struggling to come up with something….

And it looks like …

It looks like… yes, it’s “interest rates will always be lower under a Coalition government…”

The crowd sighs…And it’s Julia Gillard by a nose.

ANT:

What a remarkable race Kerry.

KERRY:

Yes indeed it was Antony.   Look you’ve really got to admire their determination, their tenacity.  But it’s clear that many of them simply don’t have the stamina anymore.  Look at Christine Milne and Joe Hockey for example. A lot of confected outrage but no real show-stopping material.

It was interesting to see Julia Gillard enter into the foray of national security though….

ANT:

Yes – the traditional old hobby horse of the Coalition.

KERRY:

Well that’s it for another three years.

And now it’s back to topless two-up at the National Press Club.

 

 

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29 Comments leave one →
  1. Sonia Knowles permalink
    January 24, 2013 6:39 pm

    It is unfair to assume things about people you don’t even know. We are talking about real people, so treat them like it.

  2. January 24, 2013 7:04 pm

    Oh, fuck off.

  3. TB Queensland permalink
    January 24, 2013 7:08 pm

    KERRY:

    I think we have a protest … entered by one of the owners I would say … I think, Ms Knowles, may have more to say on that …

  4. TB Queensland permalink
    January 24, 2013 7:10 pm

    ANT:

    The Stewards, seem to have rejected, Ms Knowles, protest, Kerry …

  5. TB Queensland permalink
    January 24, 2013 7:14 pm

    This seems to be the essence of, Ms Knowles, protest …

    We are talking about real people, so treat them like it.

    Personally, I felt much the same, in 1970, as I marched into, 3 Training Battalion, as a Nasho (wife and daughter at home in Brissy) … still the pollies didn’t bother much then, why should WE now? 🙄

  6. TB Queensland permalink
    January 24, 2013 7:22 pm

    BTW, sreb, did you pen this fred?

    Bloody brilliant!

  7. January 24, 2013 7:25 pm

    Yes, I did TB…. Glad you like it… 🙂

    Apparently according to “some people” I meant to be more cereal, I mean serial…. seriousness..

  8. January 24, 2013 7:33 pm

    Wait. There is definitely a protest coming from the Rinehart-Murdoch owners box. Are we going to see a draw?

  9. el gordo permalink
    January 24, 2013 8:09 pm

    Apparently according to “some people”

    🙂

  10. TB Queensland permalink
    January 24, 2013 9:00 pm

    ‘Tis a sad world … funeral tomorrow … she was early 40’s … we went to her wedding in October, last year … she battled the Big C, valiantly, for years … right until the end …

    How lucky are we?

    (OT, I know, but where is the “right” place to post this?)

  11. el gordo permalink
    January 24, 2013 10:32 pm

    Sorry to hear that, TB.

  12. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    January 24, 2013 11:05 pm

    Julia “Fine Cotton” Gillard.

  13. Tom of Melbourne permalink
    January 24, 2013 11:07 pm

    Actually, Gillard is “Bold Personality”

  14. el gordo permalink
    January 25, 2013 7:25 am

    Scott Morrison is flying a kite and in this election year its bound to get traction.

    ‘THE opposition’s immigration spokesman, Scott Morrison, has reignited the debate over multiculturalism at the start of the election year, declaring a shift away from diversity to a more inclusive national identity is needed.

    ‘The Liberal frontbencher used an address to the Menzies Centre for Australian Studies in London to outline the Coalition’s plan to reframe the debate around multiculturalism and “restore some balance” by emphasising what Australians have in common rather than social, ethnic or cultural differences.’

    Lauren Wilson in the Oz

  15. armchair opinionator permalink
    January 25, 2013 12:25 pm

    The Liberal frontbencher used an address to the Menzies Centre for Australian Studies in London to outline the Coalition’s plan to reframe the debate around multiculturalism and “restore some balance” by emphasising what Australians have in common rather than social, ethnic or cultural differences.’

    Really? after all these years of hating on anyone different, any minority or marginalised groups as official coalition re-election policy. Can’t see it, the coalition is going to suddenly start loving the boat people? Or are they only going to love ‘different’ ones who have become aussie citizens. Are they going to love indigenous australians, or only those who agree with noel pearson?

    I like it hard hitting andrew elder. Nice piece on the media.

    http://andrewelder.blogspot.com.au/

  16. TB Queensland permalink
    January 25, 2013 12:55 pm

    I’m an integrationist 😯 … a nation of splinter “groups” isn’t a nation at all … recognising other cultures is generally quite easy for most Australians …

    But deliberately encouraging people to live as they did in their “country of birth” doen’t help one bit …

    Disclaimer: I was born in England and I’m a proud Aussie (have NEVER barracked for the Poms!) … I have a Bosnian neighbour (muslim) – another proud Aussie … and my “mate” was born in Germany but never, ever tell him he’s a German – he’s an Australian … not everyone embraces multiculturalism …

  17. el gordo permalink
    January 25, 2013 1:32 pm

    Don’t know where this leaves joolya.

    LONDON, Jan 24 (Reuters Point Carbon) – ‘European carbon prices went into freefall on Thursday, dropping 40 percent at one point to a record low 2.81 euros, after members of the EU Parliament’s industry committee voted against a plan to rescue the ailing market.’

    http://www.pointcarbon.com/news/reutersnews/1.2151825

  18. January 25, 2013 2:30 pm

    “my “mate” was born in Germany but never, ever tell him he’s a German”

    That’s okay. Just as long as you occasionally remind him who won the war.

  19. January 25, 2013 3:30 pm

    Don`t worry, the 3rd Reich is still around in various forms, america, israel, so-called democracy, so-called journalism and fundy froot loops

  20. January 27, 2013 5:40 am

    Hilarious and very cleverly written!

    But, as far as I’m concerned, Kevin Rudd is still the PM until a real election takes place…and then I’ll vote for a horse, if it’s running – anything or anyone, but Gillard. She doesn’t represent me as a woman; I find her an international embarrassment to the female sex.

    Blech.

    Suggest Googling The Pickering Post article dated Sunday 27th January 2013 (today), entitled, ‘What Blewitt Has On Gillard Is Big”, in case anyone needs their memory refreshed about what a toxic piece of work Gillard is.

  21. January 27, 2013 12:42 pm

    Rudd won`t be revived any time soon, Joolya is still the party choice and fcuk the voter.
    =
    Whatever grubbiness screeched from the likes of Pickering, Jones, Bolt and Co, will not provide the traction and staying power Mr-Rabbit needs with the voter. Voters are now tired of his last 2 years in election mode and are not listening to him. Credlin, his Chief Of Staff knows this also, and she too is last resorting to stunts.

  22. TB Queensland permalink
    January 27, 2013 12:55 pm

    That’s okay. Just as long as you occasionally remind him who won the war.

    I thought you would know me by now 😉

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    LOL! Suggest Googling The Pickering Post … 😯

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    Ya mean like this “stunt” 703?

    http://www.news.com.au/national/tony-to-go-from-dr-no-to-yes-man/story-fndo4bst-1226562423315

  23. January 27, 2013 1:07 pm

    “Tony to go from Dr No to yes man”

    Otherwise titled “the change we can’t believe in..”

  24. January 27, 2013 1:12 pm

    That`s it precisely TB 🙂 🙂 🙂

  25. armchair opinionator permalink
    January 27, 2013 2:02 pm

    Suggest Googling The Pickering Post article dated Sunday 27th January 2013 (today), entitled, ‘What Blewitt Has On Gillard Is Big”, in case anyone needs their memory refreshed about what a toxic piece of work Gillard is.

    Because pickering’s porn is so …classy 🙄
    No thanks. The one and only time I took a look at his misogynistic and demented scribblings, I felt sick to my stomach that any woman should be subjected to such a barrage of hate and ridicule. Pickering is a sick man and deserves to be totally ignored and rejected by a decent society.

    I hope women and supportive men will condemn all that men like pickering ‘stand’ [or should I say slime] for.

    Otherwise titled “the change we can’t believe in..”

    😆

    The one stand out quote from tony abbott that has always signified to me a totally unacceptable worldview is:

    ‘If we’re honest, most of us would accept that a bad boss is a little bit like a bad father or a bad husband … you find that he tends to do more good than harm. He might be a bad boss but at least he’s employing someone while he is in fact a boss.’

    No tony, bad fathers and husbands do more harm than good, they cause lifelong emotional and physical pain and torment to innocent women and children. The lucky ones get out through no fault divorce, but tony abbott in his ‘battlelines’ book says he wants to bring back the olden days where divorce had to be contested in courts [the winners being the males who control the purse strings]. Women and children forced to subject themselves to daily torture.

    A bad boss is not acceptable either, the pain, misery and suffering they cause to other people is not worth the meagre wage they resent paying. He wouldn’t be allowed to operate if the people who are supposed to regulate industry were actually doing their jobs properly.

  26. armchair opinionator permalink
    January 27, 2013 2:55 pm

    michelle gratten today:

    …Tony Abbott is likely to be residing in the prime minister’s office later this year…

    …A second assumption is that a swag of NSW seats will help him get there. It’s no coincidence that Abbott is starting his mini-campaign on Sunday morning with a rally (invitation only) of the Liberal faithful in Lidcombe. The home territory of those ”Howard battlers” is fertile ground for Abbott…

    I love how the libs won’t open themselves up to a genuine community debate – don’t want any ‘awkward’ questions or anything. What are they so afraid of? Talk about preaching to the converted. Tony abbott shows time and time again what a political coward he is. The media should just ignore his staged shows, don’t give him the publicity he craves until he stops controlling the agenda. He already has plenty of journo megaphones installed in newsltd to aid his promotion and propaganda.

    At least gillard and labor do have the guts to take on all comers and tough it out [even with the lib party plants in situ].

    Read more: http://www.smh.com.au/opinion/politics/but-seriously-get-ready-for-mr-positive-20130126-2ddf6.html#ixzz2J8yxRULN

  27. January 27, 2013 4:21 pm

    “_michelle gratten today:_” not even wasting the time loading this one, gratten is well past her use-by date, and her editor/management should have known this during the last round of lay-offs

  28. January 27, 2013 5:18 pm

    Aaaaah fcuk-it, l clicked gratten
    =
    and pretty soon l find the gratten standard,
    Abbott ministers are recycled from the Howard
    =
    yes folks, grattan, +cpg, see Howard regime left-overs as a plus

  29. January 27, 2013 5:24 pm

    While l can`t call gratten dis-honest with this,
    The Coalition speaks enthusiastically about releasing major policies. Well, soon. Those hanging out for its industrial relations policy, probably its biggest policy test, won’t be getting it this week. It’s hard to think Abbott won’t throw out something in Thursday’s National Press Club speech,
    thats right, grattan tells us Mr-Rabbit will be wasting his time-slot at the Npc and the Cpg won`t be challenging Mr-Rabbit in any meaningful way

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